There is a story behind those crazy kaleidoscope eyes. She walks with a quiet confidence and grace that not many can understand. She's got the face of a child, but the heart and soul of a woman. She loves people; sometimes you think she loves people too much. Sometimes, you see her deep in thought and you wonder what on earth could be causing the wrinkle in between her eyebrows. You clear your throat to get her attention and she smiles, brightening her baby face, but those eyes...they tell a story you'll never know if you don't try to see past the happy-go-lucky, light at heart, cheerful, seemingly little girl. You allow this thought to be fleeting, and get lost again in what seems to be a neverending happy person.
One day, you come across her in a room alone, and that wrinkle is there again, and she is deep in thought, not noticing your presence. You clear your throat, so that she notices you. She looks up, and smiles a soft smile that you're not sure you've seen before. You suddenly want to know her. To know her story. You want to know this girl with the "believe" tattoo and the Jesus fish on her wrists. You want to know what causes her to seem so troubled at times yet so lighthearted. You want explanation as to why her eyes emit someone so much older than her features show. She might just tell you, if you are willing to try. You must be patient. While she smiles at everyone and never meets a stranger, ask people who know her. You will soon discover that she does not often talk about herself. She listens. She is slow to speak. Ask them how much they know about her. She does this on purpose. She knows people deeply but she fears the hurt of being known deeply. She wants and strives for an easy grace and quiet confidence. You've seen her get angry, but it's silent anger that not many notice, but you see those white knuckles clenched after it is clear she can tell that abuse is apparent in a relationship. Keep trying. She might just be worth it. You might be able to convince her, too.
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
Tuesday, July 3, 2012
Learning to Breathe
Sometimes I like to look back and see where I've been and where I am now. Sometimes it's pretty frustrating to do this, because I see so much "two steps forward, 4 steps back," and so on. BUT, that's just me being hypercritical of myself, and even succumbing to the expectations of those around me. Here's a story for you:
Think about it. You're just fine, going on with life, thinking you've found a good place to be, and you lose a job. Your whole life is uprooted to a new city where you have some family you *kind of* know and some friends that you *used to* know and find yourself a bit lost. You begin to get comfortable in your surroundings and in your own skin again. Then, several things happen that make you question your ability, heart, and life direction. You find comfort in a friend that seems genuine, then something unimaginable happens, and you've gone right back into that shell that you started in. You question yourself even more, wondering how you could be so stupid, what you did wrong, why you are alone here. You lose yourself somewhere along the way in the monotany of work and school, which you started back for earlier mentioned direction change, and completely lose your focus of the thing that has mattered the most to you. You have to have a pretty major surgery that keeps you down for the count for a bit. You FINALLY go back to work, and your new town that you had started to HATE while being at home healing. You have no idea how to find contentment where the Lord has you because you are MISERABLE. You attempt to find a church that will be life-giving and teach you, and help you find your way back, but you are greeted with first cold shoulders, then with a scene that could only be seen in the movie "Saved." You try, really try, to like aforementioned church and try to make friends, but it just does not fit you or your desire to know the Lord on a deeper level. You accept that you might not be into the "cool" church that you have heard so much about all these years. You have moved areas at work, and you love the new place you are in. You have finally decided that while everyone DOES think you're crazy for continuing school, you know your path and have a vision for your future given to you by the Lord. You are still attempting to find a church to really call home, but you have friends now, friends that desire that for you as well, and intend to help you find it. You still think back to the aforementioned broken trust, but knowing that you could not control what happened and you must move on from it. You still struggle with your self image and you still have to tell yourself food is not your enemy every day, but you're trying. You pray. You feel like you can breathe again. You feel more comfortable in your own skin again. You're you, hoping that you can continue on this crazy, beaten, curvy, trippy, NARROW path the Lord has led you on. You KNOW there will be self-made detours, but you also KNOW He will gently guide you back...or not so gently, if necessary. Because, if there is one thing you know, He WILL fight for you. And, that is okay. Love you guys.
Think about it. You're just fine, going on with life, thinking you've found a good place to be, and you lose a job. Your whole life is uprooted to a new city where you have some family you *kind of* know and some friends that you *used to* know and find yourself a bit lost. You begin to get comfortable in your surroundings and in your own skin again. Then, several things happen that make you question your ability, heart, and life direction. You find comfort in a friend that seems genuine, then something unimaginable happens, and you've gone right back into that shell that you started in. You question yourself even more, wondering how you could be so stupid, what you did wrong, why you are alone here. You lose yourself somewhere along the way in the monotany of work and school, which you started back for earlier mentioned direction change, and completely lose your focus of the thing that has mattered the most to you. You have to have a pretty major surgery that keeps you down for the count for a bit. You FINALLY go back to work, and your new town that you had started to HATE while being at home healing. You have no idea how to find contentment where the Lord has you because you are MISERABLE. You attempt to find a church that will be life-giving and teach you, and help you find your way back, but you are greeted with first cold shoulders, then with a scene that could only be seen in the movie "Saved." You try, really try, to like aforementioned church and try to make friends, but it just does not fit you or your desire to know the Lord on a deeper level. You accept that you might not be into the "cool" church that you have heard so much about all these years. You have moved areas at work, and you love the new place you are in. You have finally decided that while everyone DOES think you're crazy for continuing school, you know your path and have a vision for your future given to you by the Lord. You are still attempting to find a church to really call home, but you have friends now, friends that desire that for you as well, and intend to help you find it. You still think back to the aforementioned broken trust, but knowing that you could not control what happened and you must move on from it. You still struggle with your self image and you still have to tell yourself food is not your enemy every day, but you're trying. You pray. You feel like you can breathe again. You feel more comfortable in your own skin again. You're you, hoping that you can continue on this crazy, beaten, curvy, trippy, NARROW path the Lord has led you on. You KNOW there will be self-made detours, but you also KNOW He will gently guide you back...or not so gently, if necessary. Because, if there is one thing you know, He WILL fight for you. And, that is okay. Love you guys.
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