2013

How do you measure a year in the life?

Well, I will say a good place to start is Love. I have experienced all kinds of love in 2013. I’ve experienced the love of my dear mother, my brothers, their wives, and their precious children. I’ve watched husbands and wives love each other in a way I hope to one day share with my husband. Yes, that’s right; I still think I’d be okay getting married. I’ve watched parents love their children so much that it hurt me at times, especially when watching them figure out how to let go of those children much, much too soon. I can’t imagine the pain that comes with that kind of love, although I do hope to experience it one day. I’ve experienced the love of friends- new friends and old friends, and am so blessed by the people that God has placed in my life. The biggest love I’ve experienced is the love of my Savior; the heart-wrenching, knee aching, jealous, unrelenting, forgiving, gracious, merciful love of my Savior. I have seen Him show who He is to me through the aforementioned loves. I have felt His loving kindness in my heart on days when I felt like no one cared. I have experienced His grace by forgiveness I do not deserve, despite the fact that I continue NEEDING that forgiveness. I have felt His love for me in my darkest nights when horrible memories creep up and threaten to steal my joy. I have heard His still small voice patiently whispering comfort when I still ask Him why my Dad had to go so soon. Now that I think about it, everything else that happened in 2013 doesn’t seem nearly as important as the love.

The love I’ve experienced this year has helped me grow as an individual. It sharpened me in times when it was not so welcomed, but much needed. It helped me work through some difficult things that have happened to me and to find forgiveness despite myself. It has driven out fear that stemmed from difficulties. It taught me to be myself again- to show love and allow myself to receive love. It allowed me to open myself up and allow people to know me again and to give love. It showed me how to let go of hurts and betrayals and to pray for my enemies, which in turn helped me to love my enemies. The love I have experienced this year has helped me grow as a person and express myself better. Most of all, the love I’ve experienced this year has helped ME to love bigger and better. So, to say that you could measure a year in my life by love, I would call that blessed. Happy New Year, friends! I wish you a good time of reflection of 2013 and a wonderful beginning of 2014.

“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.” 2 Corinthians 5:17

INFJ

I did the Myers-Briggs personality test again today. I am an INFJ, still. 1% of the population shares this with me. I think I keep taking this test in the hopes that I will begin to become part of the majority if I try hard enough. But why? As I go about my business of being a 30 year old who still doesn't know what she wants to be when she grows up, I, believe it or not, take comfort in the fact that I'm different. There are not that many people like me. That's pretty awesome. God created me to be an individual and He apparently really keyed in the individual portion when He made me. How amazing is that realization? So, I'll go about my merry way and continue trying to live to the best of my abilities. I want to be excellent. I want to teach people. I want to share my passion and help people FEEL what I feel about social justice. I want to show God's love to people in a way that communicates His love IN love. I want to change the world. And, my friends, you might not believe me...but I will.
Love.

What Doesn't Kill You...

The phrase, "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger," is a good, true phrase. HOWEVER, when I'm in the situation and it's currently feeling pretty darn sorry, I don't want to hear it. I don't want to hear it when I'm in tears after having my character ripped apart by a person who does not like me and another who does not know me. It is always said with the intent to help someone feel better, but I'm sorry, it NEVER does. Looking back, I can see where situations where I thought something might kill me DID, in fact, make me stronger. BUT, don't expect a good response if you tell someone this in the heat of a moment. I have grown exponentially, however, in that I did not snap at the person who said it to me in this situation today.

I did have a poor, pitiful me kind of day. I wonder how I can stay late and help people when it's not my job or my area, encourage those who I feel are having difficult times, and at the very minimal level, do my job and STILL not do anything right. I cried at work, which is something I haven't done in AGES and felt incredibly FOOLISH doing so. But, I love people. I love the Lord. I want both of those things to show, and by and large I'm told it is apparent. It's AMAZING how TWO people out of a massive amount of people can completely ruin my thought process and mess with my head regarding my capabilities. I take the comments from people that don't know me and don't like me and I personalize it to the point that I just KNOW everyone else feels that way. I know this is not so, but today I believed it. I believed the devil's lies and I let him completely ruin my day and most of my evening. I cannot DO this anymore. I'm letting him win when I do. God knocked me upside the head this evening- and reminded me that I feel weak right now, but in my weakness He is made strong, which is way better than me even at my strongest. THAT, my friends, should be more than enough for a lifetime of comfort. I'm praying that I let it be enough and stop being my own worst enemy. 

Love.

Ramblings

I was trying to explain to a friend of mine the path I'm on and why I was considering not doing anything medical anymore after insisting that I knew that was what I was supposed to do. I realized, he probably thought I was incredibly flighty, but received what I was saying with such grace, and it got me thinking. I think it's funny how much my plans change, and I think that friends chuckle at my lack of commitment to a plan. Of course, they would never tell me that. I'm sure some people, especially those close to me, get the urge to say "MAKE UP YOUR MIND CRAZY GIRL! SETTLE DOWN! DECIDE WHAT YOU WANT TO BE AND DO AND STICK TO IT!!!!!!!" I'm thankful for the grace that I've received from my friends and family in listening to me and encouraging me each time I change my plan. That's the thing, though. It keeps being MY plan. It's NEVER going to work when it's my plan. I've been praying through and trying to figure out where God wants me- what he wants from my life. What I have come to conclude, is that he wants me to seek him- every day. Every hour. Every minute. Yes, cliche as it is, every SECOND. I am no longer seeking a new career as a nurse. Or a physical therapist. There is a reason I changed to social work in the first place from pre-med my freshman year, and it was because I love people. I'm NOT saying medical people don't love people, obviously they do. But, my kind of love is different in that I love to love on people exactly where they are, whatever their injuries are, whatever their situation is. I love helping them, talking with them, helping them figure things out, and mostly, LOVING on them. I really have lost sight of that in the shuffle of everyday work. I get frustrated and am so easily doubtful of people and their intentions. I know some of that is growing up, and some of it is good to discern whether or not a person is trying to take advantage of me. But, my purpose in life is to be there and help these people (in whatever setting that may be).
I do believe, however, that I have a bigger calling on my life. I'm not really 100% sure what that is at this point, and I believe that my changing career paths via school over and over again has been my way of delaying or running away from it. I have to start seeking God's wants for me, and not my wants. I have to stop worrying about the future and live right now. I ask that you guys come alongside me and pray for me when you think about it. I'm on a journey. I'm trying to be less flight risk, more committal. We'll see how it goes!
Love you guys:).

I try to be cool...

But I'm not. :)

I met some of my very favorite youtubers tonight, eleventhgorgeous. I was such a nervous dork, but they were super sweet. They have inspired me to branch out in my blog life and I started another blog, called glutenfreefirstworldproblems. I'm going to post all kinds of stuff on that one, including beauty tips, gluten free stuff, any crafts I do...it will be my schmorgesborg of things that are my life right now. Compared to the other posts on this blog, this was fairly lighthearted, which is another purpose for my second blog. This one tends to be the side of me that is serious and insightful, but believe it or not, I am NOT a melancholy individual. Hopefully this blog and that will allow people in to see who I am and who I want to be. After all, I am still figuring that out.
Only by His Grace,
Leah

1% of the WHOLE population...

I just took a Myers Briggs personality test. Everything makes so much sense to me now. I got the INFJ personality profile, which stands for Introvert, Intuitive, Intuitive Feeling, and Judging. I am officially in the minority. I am of similar personality with 1% of our entire world. That's a little crazy. However, I am in good company, with famous philanthropists Nelson Mandella, Mahatma Gandhi, Mother Teresa, and Adam Sandler, among others. Yes, I realize Adam Sandler isn't on the same level as the others, but I love him so he gets to be on my list:). I am described as a "protector." It says that I am usually right, and that I usually know it. That doesn't sound like me at all! (Yeah, right). It also says that I am stubborn because I refuse to step outside of my ideals. And, surprise of all surprises, that I am hard to get to know and tend to internalize conflict inside my body which results in health problems when under stress. It's uncanny when I read the description how spot-on this was. Just thought I'd let you guys know, when you find yourself not understanding me, this is why:).
Bye loves!
Leah

Sad eyes, bright smile...

There is a story behind those crazy kaleidoscope eyes. She walks with a quiet confidence and grace that not many can understand. She's got the face of a child, but the heart and soul of a woman. She loves people; sometimes you think she loves people too much. Sometimes, you see her deep in thought and you wonder what on earth could be causing the wrinkle in between her eyebrows. You clear your throat to get her attention and she smiles, brightening her baby face, but those eyes...they tell a story you'll never know if you don't try to see past the happy-go-lucky, light at heart, cheerful, seemingly little girl. You allow this thought to be fleeting, and get lost again in what seems to be a neverending happy person.

One day, you come across her in a room alone, and that wrinkle is there again, and she is deep in thought, not noticing your presence. You clear your throat, so that she notices you. She looks up, and smiles a soft smile that you're not sure you've seen before. You suddenly want to know her. To know her story. You want to know this girl with the "believe" tattoo and the Jesus fish on her wrists. You want to know what causes her to seem so troubled at times yet so lighthearted. You want explanation as to why her eyes emit someone so much older than her features show. She might just tell you, if you are willing to try. You must be patient. While she smiles at everyone and never meets a stranger, ask people who know her. You will soon discover that she does not often talk about herself. She listens. She is slow to speak. Ask them how much they know about her. She does this on purpose. She knows people deeply but she fears the hurt of being known deeply. She wants and strives for an easy grace and quiet confidence. You've seen her get angry, but it's silent anger that not many notice, but you see those white knuckles clenched after it is clear she can tell that abuse is apparent in a relationship. Keep trying. She might just be worth it. You might be able to convince her, too.

Learning to Breathe

Sometimes I like to look back and see where I've been and where I am now. Sometimes it's pretty frustrating to do this, because I see so much "two steps forward, 4 steps back," and so on. BUT, that's just me being hypercritical of myself, and even succumbing to the expectations of those around me. Here's a story for you:

Think about it. You're just fine, going on with life, thinking you've found a good place to be, and you lose a job. Your whole life is uprooted to a new city where you have some family you *kind of* know and some friends that you *used to* know and find yourself a bit lost. You begin to get comfortable in your surroundings and in your own skin again. Then, several things happen that make you question your ability, heart, and life direction. You find comfort in a friend that seems genuine, then something unimaginable happens, and you've gone right back into that shell that you started in. You question yourself even more, wondering how you could be so stupid, what you did wrong, why you are alone here. You lose yourself somewhere along the way in the monotany of work and school, which you started back for earlier mentioned direction change, and completely lose your focus of the thing that has mattered the most to you. You have to have a pretty major surgery that keeps you down for the count for a bit. You FINALLY go back to work, and your new town that you had started to HATE while being at home healing. You have no idea how to find contentment where the Lord has you because you are MISERABLE. You attempt to find a church that will be life-giving and teach you, and help you find your way back, but you are greeted with first cold shoulders, then with a scene that could only be seen in the movie "Saved." You try, really try, to like aforementioned church and try to make friends, but it just does not fit you or your desire to know the Lord on a deeper level. You accept that you might not be into the "cool" church that you have heard so much about all these years. You have moved areas at work, and you love the new place you are in. You have finally decided that while everyone DOES think you're crazy for continuing school, you know your path and have a vision for your future given to you by the Lord. You are still attempting to find a church to really call home, but you have friends now, friends that desire that for you as well, and intend to help you find it. You still think back to the aforementioned broken trust, but knowing that you could not control what happened and you must move on from it. You still struggle with your self image and you still have to tell yourself food is not your enemy every day, but you're trying. You pray. You feel like you can breathe again. You feel more comfortable in your own skin again. You're you, hoping that you can continue on this crazy, beaten, curvy, trippy, NARROW path the Lord has led you on. You KNOW there will be self-made detours, but you also KNOW He will gently guide you back...or not so gently, if necessary. Because, if there is one thing you know, He WILL fight for you. And, that is okay. Love you guys.

It has now been just over a year since I moved to Birmingham. My life here has taken on new meaning as I understand the statement, wherever you are, BE there. I haven't BEEN here the past year. I've been wherever I intend on being after I leave Birmingham. I have found this is no way to live. I'm wasting my life in tomorrow when I'm never guaranteed that.

I'm here now. Let the games begin.

Dear Sir

Dear Sir,

I always asserted that nothing bad could happen to me. I'm WAY too guarded and too smart to put myself in a situation where I could be taken advantage of. When my mother told me that I shouldn't do this or that because it could be unsafe, I'd scoff at her and inform her that there was no way I'd be stupid enough to find myself in an unsafe situation...that I don't spend time alone with people that I don't trust. You proved me wrong, sir.  You appeared to be someone I could trust, so I did. Little did I know you were calculating and manipulative. Little did I know that to you, I was an object, one that could be formed into whatever you wanted. Little did I know how disgusting you are.

Thank you, for teaching me never to disregard my mother's words, ever again.

However, you took things from me that I can't ever get back. You hurt me physically and mentally in ways I thought could never occur in my life. You made me ashamed of myself. You took advantage of the fact that I trusted you enough to be my friend.  There are no amount of words that can express to you the sleepless nights you have caused or the questioning you have allowed Satan to place in my heart. You had the GALL to act as though nothing you did was wrong and then a month later to say that you knew what you did and that it was "not cool," which is the worst kind of understatement.

This isn't a second chance kind of opportunity for you, sir...and how dare you ask. You never had a first chance given...you took it. Stay away from me.

Sincerely,
Leah

Lord, help me to forgive as You forgive...remind me that even though I have hatred in my heart, You do not and You love him despite the things he has done. Help me to move on, as I know I will never, ever forget.

Friends, I realize this post is mostly frightening to you as you imagine what I might have gone through. Know that I'm okay, God is in control, and even though bad things happen, I'm His child. I'll be okay. Know that.

Hold Me Jesus...

Sometimes, I'm okay. Then, it hits me like a brick. My Dad is dead. I'm never going to see him again as long as I live on this earth. I'll never receive the comfort that only a daddy can provide his little girl. It's the little things. Like seeing my nieces and nephew knowing how much joy they would bring him. Seeing sweet Ellie, with her fiery personality, knowing she'll never know her Paw-Paw, from whom she got those beautiful blue eyes. How my Mom has no one to share her moments with anymore and how it hurts her more than she lets on and more than I could ever imagine. There are days when I don't want to get out of bed because of the crippling pain this causes. Yes. It has been almost three years (in August) but no matter how much time passes, it still hurts. A lot.

I miss him more than any amount of words I could write or say. I'll never understand why he was taken from me so soon. I won't pretend like I don't still ask God why. But, I know this- God is faithful. He is my comfort in times of weakness and in my weakness He is made strong. I am certainly weak right now- but it is well. My Dad is with Jesus. He's happier and healthier than he ever could have been on this earth. I miss him, and I'll miss him forever. The beautiful thing is that I don't have to understand why. God holds me in his hands. Tonight, I ask that he hold me a little tighter.

KONY 2012

Facebook has BLOWN UP over the past few days with Invisible Children's new awareness campaign, KONY 2012.  I have been an avid supporter of Invisible Children since I watched their original documentary on my campus at University of Alabama...I don't remember what year, but it was their first year of being an actual organization. They aren't perfect but they are acting. They are doing what we are called to do in caring for the least of these. Lots of people are criticizing them, questioning their finances and their partnership with the Ugandan government. They make it clear that they do not give money to the government and they have their spending report on their website...it's not like they're trying to deceive people as to where their money goes, and whoever threw the 84% figure out there that apparently goes to staff was incredibly inaccurate.

I get that people want us to take care of "our own." But, I object to this as a Christian. Don't misunderstand me, I don't object to taking care of those that need it in America. At the same time, we have resources here that are unimagineable to people in Uganda and Central Africa. And, this organization is not funded by our government, so the objections that "we" should spend the money here is unfounded...because unless you're donating, it's not "your" money.  And furthermore, Jesus said this:
 “Then he will say to those on his left, ‘Depart from me, you cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels. For I was hungry and you gave me no food, I was thirsty and you gave me no drink, I was a stranger and you did not welcome me, naked and you did not clothe me, sick and in prison and you did not visit me.’ Then they also will answer, saying, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or naked or sick or in prison, and did not minister to you?’ Then he will answer them, saying, ‘Truly, I say to you, as you did not do it to one of the least of these, you did not do it to me.’ And these will go away into eternal punishment, but the righteous into eternal life.”
Matthew 25:41-26

No, I'm not saying in any way, shape, or form that you are condemned to hell if you don't support Invisible Children. I know there are people who don't support Invisible Children but do support grassroots efforts in Uganda working toward the same goal...again, not saying everyone has or should have a passion for Africa or the situation with Kony. But every Christian should have a passion for people, especially those who cannot act for themselves for whatever reason.

I AM saying that Jesus did not have America in mind specifically when He told this story. I don't believe He meant for us to only worry with our nation when talking about this type of compassion. I believe He was referring to people...everywhere. I think it's incredibly one-sided to say we should care for our own and they should care for their own. They have no capability of doing that. I saw one comment that their parents and government must not care enough to do anything. The problem is, these children have been made to murder their families...and their government is pretty corrupt as well. I think the president should definitely have to answer for the fact that Kony has gotten away with this for over 20 years...but the first step needs to be to stop Kony. 
These children...they are the least of these...and they are my heart. I will not change my mind about supporting Invisible Children. I will continue to help those here as well, and I'm not wrong for that. I believe I'm fulfilling my duty as a Christian. And, my friend Kevin wisely pointed out today that if we wait for the perfect charity to do something, nothing is ever going to happen...anywhere.

KONY 2012

Why?

I find myself seeking clarity often. I know people probably think I sound like a toddler when I'm constantly asking why, but I believe that every action should have reason behind it...otherwise, WHY do it?

For instance, I've been at my current job a year. I've been moved to another area for one month now, and have already gotten into a groove. I've gotten to know my team and if I don't know what to do in a situation am completely comfortable asking my fellow social worker on the unit what she would do. So, why did my new supervisor decide last Friday that starting Monday, I'd have to go over my patient list EVERY DAY with another social worker as a form of "orientation?" I immediately thought perhaps I had done something wrong, but have been assured by my co-workers that this is not the case, and my supervisor says the same. I'm doing my job effectively and in a timely manner, so why suddenly do I need extra "training?" My co-worker, who is quite a bit older than me, and much, much wiser (she has kids my age) told me that I have to stop asking why so much...and that sometimes there really isn't a good reason. She told me to stop doubting myself. Oh to do that, sweet lady.

That takes me to my next point. I've felt distanced from some people since I've begun placing my opinion out there...really being honest about the way that I feel Christianity is today and how I wish it was. I was slightly fearful of sharing my heart on it all. What I don't understand in this situation, again, is why? Why can't I express the way that I feel, the way that I believe the Lord has led me to live my life? Just because I express that everyone should have equal rights, love, does not mean that I've signed to the list supporting things that the Lord defines as sin. Make no mistake, as I've said before, I know what sin is. I know what the Lord says about sin. But, I also know I sin too...and God doesn't view sin in levels...sin is sin. Frankly, I'm GLAD that the Lord doesn't see things the way that we do. Otherwise, He'd kick all of us off His list, because no sin is worse than another to Him. I mean, what is the criteria for us to decide what sin is not so bad and what sin merits a person being considered LESS than that?

It hurts my heart that I can't put my opinion/feelings/thoughts/rants out there without my faith being questioned...without my ability to understand the Lord and the Gospel being on trial. I don't want people I love to hold poor opinions of me because I'm most passionate about loving people. I almost wish I had never said anything. But just almost. I can't apologize for my heart, my passion, or my view of what Jesus would do in America today. I just really wish I could understand why people take it so personally, since after all, I just want to see a Christian culture that loves like Jesus. All the time.

Until next time, friends...

Jesus was a Revolutionary

Take a deep breath, self...breathe...breathe.  I don't know if anyone reads this, as I only have a few followers on my actual blog...but I do post the link to my facebook for everyone to read, so sometimes it makes me really nervous to share how I truly feel because I come from such a conservative place, and have a whole lot of super conservative friends and family that might take things I say as a personal attack. I NEVER want things that I say to make people feel singled out. This is just something that has been on my heart and mind lately with all the crazy going on in the political world. If you think I'm talking to you, that's totally on you, because I write this from my heart with no one particular person in mind...except all the politicians and news people that cannot seem to stop saying really crazy things.

Jesus was not a conservative man. He probably wouldn't be a republican in today's America. Gasp! Also, this is not me implying he would be a democrat, either. He would probably hate politics...
I know what you guys are thinking. "Leah has become a bleeding heart liberal...Leah has "fallen away"...we just need to love her back to where she needs to be..." 

Bear in mind while reading this, that I do believe in sin, and I do have beliefs on the big issues according to the Bible, which I believe to be the infallible word of God.  However, that is not my point right now. My point is for Christians to try to look through the eyes of our Lord...at the person, not how they choose to live. I strive to look at people...not their choices. I know that I forget at times that I cannot expect people to make decisions the same way that I would because not everyone believes what I do. My world would be super small if I surrounded myself only with people I agree with and that agree with me. I'm not saying I'm perfect. I'm very imperfect, in fact. I judge people when they speak poorly, I say way too many snide things about clothes that people wear, I'm the MOST stubborn individual, I have a hard time admitting when I'm wrong, I gossip, I argue even when I know I'm wrong, I am horrible at asking forgiveness, I lock my doors when people walk by my car if I'm at a stoplight in the government housing section of Birmingham, as if everyone there will rob me, and I could go on, but this isn't about me. I say all that to ensure that my readers know I'm not preaching at you guys...I'm just as much at fault as any other person.

I'm not liberal. I'm not conservative. I'm not libertarian. I'm not democratic. I'm not republican. I don't know what I am, but I try to be reasonable. My heart bleeds...but not because I feel sorry for everyone. I believe in social justice. I believe with my whole heart Jesus fought for social justice, and against injustice, and that I should too. People not having equal rights hurts my heart. Jesus commanded us to go to the "least of these." He called for us to take special care of the poor, the widow, the hungry, the unloveable. He spoke to women in public places when that kind of thing was unheard of. He dined with those shunned by society. He touched those that were unclean...and in that society, HIS society, that made Him unclean...He wasn't even supposed to walk on the same side of the street as them. He walked with those that people hated (even when people could see Him.)  He called people out on what they were doing wrong, called religious leaders out on their legalism, and didn't apologize for that, but also didn't stop loving them because of those things. Peter denied that he knew Jesus THREE times before Jesus DIED for him and Jesus STILL died for him. Do you HONESTLY think, if you were to sit down and think about it, your own prejudice aside, that Jesus wouldn't do that very same thing today, reach out to the "scrubs" of society?  Can you even think that way? Can you put your own prejudice aside and view people the way that He would?

I feel like all of these sentences should start with "I believe" because He didn't personally tell me these things, so pardon the redundancy.
I believe Jesus would not look at a man and think "Oh he's gay," and not talk to him because of that. I believe He would not protest on the side of the road disguising His cries of hatred as "love" for girls that are walking into an abortion clinic. I believe He would not stop talking to someone that was an alcoholic. I believe He would not shun someone in church if they weren't dressed the right way. I believe He would not try to take someone's freedom to CHOOSE whether or not they'll follow Him. I believe He WOULD walk alongside that man and share His love with him, while listening to what he has to say so that he would in turn listen to Him. I believe He wouldn't care what people said if they saw them talking, because He cared about people, not appearances. I believe He WOULD be there for those that are hurting because of a choice that they made, whether or not He agreed with that choice, and offer love, offer everything He could give. I believe He WOULD be the person to drive that someone home if they found themselves in a situation where they had too much to drink. I believe He wouldn't care what people thought when they saw His car parked outside a bar at 4 in the morning. I believe He WOULD sit by that strangely dressed visitor, and probably take them out to lunch afterward.  Finally, I believe He WOULD openly share that He is the way, but that it must be chosen and that He has given people the ability to choose. What is love if it's not real, after all? 

Don't misunderstand me. I know Jesus was clear about what was sin and what was not. He did not, however, stop seeing the person. I believe that is our biggest problem today. We see people's choices; past, present, and future, and stop seeing THEM. We take away people's rights because of their choices...sometimes not even their choices, but how can we do that? What makes one person okay to decide what another person can or can't do? It's not okay.

I find myself flabbergasted at the prejudice in our society. I know it's naive but I cannot grasp how the color of someone's skin immediately defines them. How a girl with a short haircut is automatically labeled "butch."  How an accent can suddenly make someone unintelligent. How the way someone is dressed defines who they are before they ever say a word. What is going on here? Jesus, fully God and fully man, walked the earth a vagabond. He was homeless. He most likely smelled bad, was dirty, and had a whole bunch of men who looked similar following Him, calling Him the Messiah. People probably thought He was CRAZY!!  He came to this earth in a humble form, which I believe was the point. It's not about how you look...we're all human. We're all imperfect. We disagree. Why does that make those that disagree with us bad? Those that are different from us abnormal? Have we really come as far as we like to think we have in this country?  This IS 2012, right? Why do people have to fight for rights? Why did women have to fight to vote?...black people have to fight to drink from the same water fountain as white people?...why are people STILL fighting for equality? What group is going to be next to have to prove their worth to have a voice? Why is this necessary? Why can't all humans be treated like humans, period? I have probably said this a thousand times in this post alone, but who gets to decide what person deserves more than any other person? I mean, I believe the Lord can make that kind of decision, but I don't think any PERSON should get to make that call.

I'm not better than anyone because I'm a Christian. I can't choose for someone whether or not they follow Christ. I CAN be clear about who I am and what I believe, and I can do that without demeaning someone. I can absolutely express what I believe to be sin without making a person feel worthless. I can express that I think someone is wrong without making them feel small. I refuse to not love someone because they choose not to follow Christ...and I will take every opportunity that I have to share Him with people, and I won't give up; sometimes people choose to follow Him because of the Holy Spirit using me as an instrument...sometimes they don't. That's something I cannot control...all I can control is my faithfulness to spread the gospel, which I strive to do whenever I'm given the opportunity. I LOVE Jesus with all my heart, and of course I want people to choose Him. But, if I'm judging them at every corner, how will I ever have an opportunity to share that love and how real it is in my life and the way that it has changed me? I won't. I love God. I love people. I don't really see how you can be a Christian without loving...people. No descriptions...just people.

He didn't want it this way...

Last night, I posted a concern I had on facebook regarding Rick Santorum and his alleged desire to declare a national religion, with that religion being Christianity.  I wasn't speaking out against him, but seeking clarity AND saying that if it was true, it scared me. I am a devout Christian. I love Jesus. I don't think I've ever been anything but clear about that. BUT, I don't support declaring America anything but America. We're already predominantly Christian, but that doesn't make it official to the point where laws can be imposed like it would be if it were declared. I know that many think that I'm being ridiculous when I say that to declare a national religion is dangerous; and that I'm being dramatic likening it to the situation in Iran and many other nations. I know that it would not start off this way...but eventually it would lead to deaths, slavery, and basically revert back to the 19th century.

I stand, unashamedly, to say that Jesus would NOT have wanted it this way. He loved people that NO ONE else loved. He spent His time with thieves, liars, and those that were viewed as unclean by the established religion of that time- Judaism. He fought against the legalism of that established religion and spoke in stories to help people understand the message He was trying to teach. He healed the sick, made the blind see.  He DIED because He stood for something that was viewed as blasphemy. He never once forced anyone to love Him, to declare Him as the Lord. I firmly believe that He would maintain this in America, today. He would look with sorrowful eyes the way that His word is manipulated by political agenda. He would hurt for those in other nations that are being persecuted and murdered for their choices. He would plead with America not to allow that kind of thing to happen here.

I do not think that I am wrong in saying this. Of course I want everyone to hear and understand and accept the gospel. I strive to live my life daily to be an example for that same gospel. I live a quiet existence, and try to show people the love of Christ in the way that I live. I build relationships with people and am open and honest about my devotion to Christ. I find that it opens people up to hear what I have to say if I first listen.

My intention in asking about Santorum on my facebook was not to rock the boat, or start an argument, or see my loved ones get into a "my brain is bigger, you're wrong and stupid" kind of debate. I believe firmly that I can be the Christian that I am and still say that I believe that this nation should not have a declared national religion. I don't want to see ANYONE die for what they believe. Sharing the love of Christ with someone will be impossible if their choice to walk away from it gets them killed.

He would not have wanted it this way.

What A Beautiful Mess

“There is something beautiful about a billion stars held steady by a God who knows what He is doing. (They hang there, the stars, like notes on a page of music, free-form verse, silent mysteries swirling in the blue like jazz.) And as I lay there, it occurred to me that God is up there somewhere. Of course, I had always known He was, but this time I felt it, I realized it, the way a person realizes they are hungry or thirsty. The knowledge of God seeped out of my brain and into my heart. I imagined Him looking down on this earth, half angry because His beloved mankind had cheated on Him, had committed adultery, and yet hopelessly in love with her, drunk with love for her.”
- Donald Miller

 

I find myself in a "woe is me" state often, living away from home, not knowing that many people, and being extremely busy...waaa, waaa, waaaa. Who am I to have that attitude? I am nothing but a speck of dust on the vast playbook of eternity and I have to stop worrying about the things I want and start being thankful for the things I have. I must begin to passionately seek the Lord on a daily basis. I want to pursue excellence in all that I do. I want to enjoy living here, enjoy my job, and enjoy the possibility of new fellowship with new believers, and also the possiblity of rekindling new friendships with people that I know from back in college who have recently re-emerged in my life. I am blessed beyond belief with a roof over my head, never lacking in the things I need or really even the things I want, I have a job in this horrid economy, I am able to attend school, and I have WONDERFUL family and friends. I get so lost in me, me, me that I forget to acknowledge these things. I have the grace and mercy of the creator of the universe given to me every day and a passionate heart that he gave me to spread love to those who don't get it. These things are something to be excited about!!

 

Frankly, I lack discipline. I make these great big plans of how I will spend my day every day, what I will do and in what time frame. But, when it comes time to actually do the things I commit myself to, I find a way to NOT do it. For instance, I set a bed time so that I can get up early in the mornings before leaving to read my bible. But, I'll end up watching a re-run of some TV show that doesn't mean anything and staying up too late. Or, I'll commit to studying over the weekend but will find ANYTHING to do instead. This has to stop. I have to regain my ability to be disciplined in both my daily life and in my walk with the Lord. I don't want my lack of discipline lately to begin to reflect in my school work or at my job. Now friends, it takes a lot for me to admit a weakness because of that silly sin pride, but I've been told in my weakness He is made strong, so I guess I'm planning on allowing Him to be super strong:). Hey, after all, my God is so BIG, so STRONG, and so MIGHTY, there's nothing my God cannot do!

 

Lord, I thank you that YOU are what I'm supposed to talk about. That at the end of the day, nothing else matters but You. Thank You that no matter what I do or how far I stray, You will help me back and clean off my bloody knees that I skinned up crawling back to you through the messes that I make. Help me, Lord. Help me in my unbelief- in my lack of faith that You will take care of me. Thank You for the blessed assurance that You have my life in Your hands, that You have ordained my life and my future, and You have it all planned for my good. Thank You for making me, a disaster by my own hand, into a beautiful disaster. Here am I, Lord.

 

Welcome to my life, friends.

 

I'm not ready to make nice.

Forgive, sounds good...forget, I'm not sure I could. They say time heals everything, but I'm still waiting.

I have a new life. I have moved on, no doubt about it. But, who do you think you are...no sir, I will not ever talk to you again. I meant it when I said that. I am happy. I am free. I am learning to love again and let people in, and you will not ruin that. It's like that song by good ole T. Swift- "Wondering which version of you I might get on the phone tonight. Well, I stopped picking up and this song is to let you know why.......You'll add my name to your long list of traitors who don't understand, and I'll look back and regret how I ignored when they said run as fast as you can.......I took your matches before fire could catch me so don't look now; I'm shining like fireworks over your sad, empty town."

I recognize those are random lines from the song patched together but those are the ones that stick out to me as characteristic of that time of my life. I allowed a person to dictate the way that I felt. I walked on egg shells. I apologized for things that happened when I was the one who deserved the apologies. It blows my mind to look back on that time to see how much of a shell of Leah I was. I'm sure it horrified my mom and brothers. I was broken...bruised...beaten down. The life in my eyes and behind my smile was gone. So, no, sir...you will not call me and try to talk to me, or text me, or contact me at all. I have moved on from you. I'm happy. I'm where the Lord wants me to be with the right people...ones who build me up and don't tear me down. Sure, I've forgiven you. But, that's it. You don't get anything else from me. Thank the sweet Lord for helping me release all of that when I did. He's good like that.

"I've dealt with my ghosts and I've faced all my demons,
Finally content with a past I regret.
I've found you find strength in your moments of weakness,
For once I'm at peace with myself.
I've been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long.
I'm moving on.
I'm moving on,
At last I can see, life has been patiently waiting for me
And I know, there's no guarantees but I'm not alone.
There comes a time in everyone's life
When all you can see are the years passing by.
And I have made up my mind that those days are gone!" RF

So small...

I was listening to my "Country Women" playlist tonight, don't hate, on my way home to see my family from work. Since today is my actual birthday something just felt wrong not coming home to see my Mom. Anyways, I digress. I was listening to Carrie Underwood's song "So Small." It's a great song, and I find it to be true, like many songs I listen to, in my daily life. A snippet that hit me pretty hard tonight:

"It's so easy to get lost inside a problem that seems so big at the time; it's like a river that's so wide, it swallows you whole. While you're sitting 'round thinking 'bout what you can't change and worrying about all the wrong things; time's flying by, moving so fast. You better make it count cause you can't get it back. Sometimes, that mountain you've been climbing is just a grain of sand. And what you've been out there searching for forever is in your hand. And when you figure out love is all that matters after all, it sure makes everything else seem so small!"

I mean, seriously, it's amazing how a simple song can carry so much weight and hit so close to home. My dad used to always tell me, "If you can change it, change it. If you can't, don't worry about it. No use wasting that pretty smile on a frown, or that wrinkling that pretty forehead. One thing at a time, baby." He knew me better than anyone in moments like that, because he could see that I had taken the weight of the world on my shoulders, quite literally. I get lost in problems more often than I would like to admit; my own and others'. I have a fickle heart. I run from people that make me want to stay for fear of rejection down the road. I have small faith. I have seen the Lord work miracles in my life and my friends' lives time and time again, yet I still have the ability to freak out about things. How does that make Him feel? To constantly prove Himself to be faithful to take care of me only to have me doubt the next time around? What's amazing is that He loves me...and He takes care of me, even when He knows I'm full of doubt; that He has to help me in my unbelief. My friends love me. My family loves me. In one day, I had a new friend call me amazing, another dear old friend tell me that I'm a vessel of grace and peace, another still tell me I had a fierce heart, and still another tell me that I deserved a wonderful birthday because I had a caring and giving heart. It's AMAZING to me that people see these things in me- that I am such a mess and yet am incredibly loved! I am humbled by that love, and sure do hope to make my friends feel as good as they make me feel. I am so, so blessed. I am who I am because of the people that I'm blessed to know and love through the grace of Jesus Christ...each and every one of you. Thank you loves.

Another Birthday

Three years ago on August 27th, my 26th birthday, I spoke to my Dad for the last time. He called, as he often does, on my birthday, and sang Happy Birthday to me and we spoke briefly. I was too preoccupied with my own life to spend more time talking to him than I normally did, simply because I knew he would be around the next day or the next for me to talk to. Come to find out, he had been planning on coming to visit me with my Mom that weekend to surprise me since I had moved to Louisville at the beginning of the month, but then he ended up having some complications with his hemmorhoid surgery and the doc told him he would probably be really uncomfortable traveling 4 hours. So, I was none the wiser and therefore not disappointed when my parents decided they'd have to come visit another time. My mom told me about this thoughtful hopeful surprise my Dad had planned after I heard the news of his passing. I spent the night with my friend Anna, and we got home really late/early in the morning, so we went to sleep. I didn't know I had put my phone on vibrate and so when I received a call at 5am, I did not pick it up. I also slept through several additional calls and some text messages. I woke up at 10am and went to my phone to check it and found everyone in my family had called or texted me, so I panicked. I called my mom, and after a brief moment of explanation as to why I had not answered my phone, she said these words, "Your Daddy died this morning."

Going over that right now, typing it, still stops my heart to see it or say it. I began to hyperventilate, and couldn't believe that it was possible. I said no over and over again, and sent my friend Anna into a panic. I told her "My Dad died this morning," which sent her into a panic, and she began calling friends that were out of town to let them know what happened. My mom was crying on the other line and kept saying she was sorry she had to tell me like that, but didn't want to make me come home without any knowledge of why. I told Anna I didn't think I'd be able to drive myself home, so she quickly offered to take me home. I said I didn't know how I would get back to Louisville, so her Dad quickly was called and he booked me a flight to return to Louisville later that week. I was numb the whole way home. We stopped to eat a few times. I would randomly start crying in disbelief, and other times I sat in silence. Anytime I had to tell someone that my Dad died, new tears would come for me, Anna, and her roommate Karina, who had taken the trip with us as well. I couldn't BELIEVE that just days prior I had spoken to my Dad, and he had sounded happy and healthy. To hear that he stopped breathing at 5am this morning and my brother was unable to revive him sounded impossible...a nightmare. By the time I got home, I didn't have any tears left. I was hugged by many that were eagerly waiting my arrival; and I really didn't want to see or talk to anyone. I couldn't believe it. I wouldn't accept it. The next couple of days were a BLUR. I went with my mom to plan the funeral- agreed to sing as it would have been my Dad's wish and got some of my friends to participate in the worship portion as well. We went to the visitation and it was at that moment that it became real to me. My Daddy was gone. He was already up in Heaven, dancing with Jesus, completely whole and without a care in the world. No matter how amazing it is to know that, my heart was broken...it still is. The funeral was the next day, and over the course of the two days of the celebration of my Dad's life, I heard so many good things and how proud he was of me and how much he loved me, but I appreciate those things now.  I didn't then; didn't want to hear my Dad in the context of the past tense. All I could think of was that I brushed him off to go spend time with friends and I could have talked to him longer than 30 minutes on my birthday. I know that this was not a healthy thought- I had no way of knowing he would be gone, and I fully expected to have a really long and jovial talk with him on that Saturday, the first Bama game of the season. No one expected it. We were all fortunate to have some kind of special moment with him shortly before he passed, though.

I am blessed to have had such an amazing Daddy. He frustrated me to no end at times and we were both stubborn which caused us to butt heads. He caused some hurt in my life but I am fortunate that the Lord provided healing in that relationship well before I lost him. But, I also know he loved me more than anything and he would have walked through fire for me if it had been necessary, even when our relationship was difficult. SO, obviously, my birthday has taken on new meaning to me at this point in my life. I don't really care to celebrate my life or how long I've lived...I don't really like my birthday all that much at all.  I miss my Dad. I wish he were still around to call me and sing Happy Birthday, and tell me that he loves me. I wish I could hear his voice, hear his reassurance when times are difficult...get one of his hugs...hear one of his sayings come out of his mouth. I love that man more than anything. I love that he is whole again and has both legs. I love the assurance that he IS with Jesus, and that it was clearly his time to go home. I sure do wish he could still be here though. I have a feeling that no matter how long it's been, it's still going to be hard. Richard Aaron Barrier, I miss you and I love you forever. 10/7/50-8/30/08

Brave New World

So, here I am, 28 years old, nowhere near where I thought I'd be. Strangely, though, I find this all okay...freeing even.  I'm beginning to understand that there is nothing wrong with exploring new things and going on new adventures constantly. I have experienced more in my 28 years than some will have experienced in their whole lifetime. I've seen slums on the other side of the world, I've seen ridiculously rich people (none the happier) on this side of the world. I've lived on the coast and as far north as my little southern self would permit:). I've met more people and made more lifelong friends than I deserve. I've kept old ones the whole time, and gotten closer to some that I really can't imagine my life without at this point. I've experienced pain that I never prepared myself for and joy beyond my greatest imagination.

People often look down on me for continuing my journey, not "settling down" as a good 20-something southern girl should. I think those that know me and have come to love me (however undeserved that love I receive might be) understand that I am a flight risk. I get uncomfortable in comfort and restless in monotany. Sure, I have 2 1/2 degrees and I'm working on another, but I still have a career. Sure, I've moved a lot but I have constants in my life no matter where I go. I'm good. Sometimes it's hard, starting over in new places, but then it gets better, and I find home wherever I go. Plus, I know no matter where I go or what I do, there will always be a safe place for me to go, in the arms of my sweet Jesus; and my sweet Mom is never but a phone call away. I'm blessed beyond belief and far more than I deserve.

Sure, I have my flaws that I notice more often than anything else. I am stubborn and don't have a great ability to keep my mouth shut. I cannot stand for the truth not to be known, and sometimes that gets me in trouble. I am honest to a fault and sometimes that causes me to hurt feelings without even realizing it. I love hard and totally and that gets me stomped on over and over again. I am way too sensitive and tend to take everything to heart even if it isn't directed at me. I feel for people so completely that sometimes I get too involved and take things home with me that should be left.  I have deep, deep scars that make it really hard for people to get to know me despite the amount of things I learn about them, and I rarely trust anyone fully. I am a creation of the most high God and I constantly let the mirror tell me things that I know not to be the truth which has often led me down a path of self-destruction.

However, I am saved by the redeeming blood of Jesus Christ and have his grace and mercy covering my life no matter what I do. It is amazing to me how He can love me despite the amount of times I go my own way and then have to crawl back to Him on bloody knees begging Him to clean me up and the mess I've left in my path back to Him. He is the reason I live and breathe and move, and the motivation behind me pursuing yet another degree. I want to be excellent, to, in the words of our US Army, be all that I can be- but through Him. I will settle down one day...and no doubt have a family; but I don't feel incomplete now. I know that I am made whole in Him and that is the only way that I'll remain satisfied. It's a daily walk, and I intend to get up tomorrow and take my cross again, hoping not to deviate. Welcome to my life, friends.