But I'm not. :)
I met some of my very favorite youtubers tonight, eleventhgorgeous. I was such a nervous dork, but they were super sweet. They have inspired me to branch out in my blog life and I started another blog, called glutenfreefirstworldproblems. I'm going to post all kinds of stuff on that one, including beauty tips, gluten free stuff, any crafts I do...it will be my schmorgesborg of things that are my life right now. Compared to the other posts on this blog, this was fairly lighthearted, which is another purpose for my second blog. This one tends to be the side of me that is serious and insightful, but believe it or not, I am NOT a melancholy individual. Hopefully this blog and that will allow people in to see who I am and who I want to be. After all, I am still figuring that out.
Only by His Grace,
Leah
Thursday, September 6, 2012
1% of the WHOLE population...
I just took a Myers Briggs personality test. Everything makes so much sense to me now. I got the INFJ personality profile, which stands for Introvert, Intuitive, Intuitive Feeling, and Judging. I am officially in the minority. I am of similar personality with 1% of our entire world. That's a little crazy. However, I am in good company, with famous philanthropists Nelson Mandella, Mahatma Gandhi, Mother Teresa, and Adam Sandler, among others. Yes, I realize Adam Sandler isn't on the same level as the others, but I love him so he gets to be on my list:). I am described as a "protector." It says that I am usually right, and that I usually know it. That doesn't sound like me at all! (Yeah, right). It also says that I am stubborn because I refuse to step outside of my ideals. And, surprise of all surprises, that I am hard to get to know and tend to internalize conflict inside my body which results in health problems when under stress. It's uncanny when I read the description how spot-on this was. Just thought I'd let you guys know, when you find yourself not understanding me, this is why:).
Bye loves!
Leah
Bye loves!
Leah
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
Sad eyes, bright smile...
There is a story behind those crazy kaleidoscope eyes. She walks with a quiet confidence and grace that not many can understand. She's got the face of a child, but the heart and soul of a woman. She loves people; sometimes you think she loves people too much. Sometimes, you see her deep in thought and you wonder what on earth could be causing the wrinkle in between her eyebrows. You clear your throat to get her attention and she smiles, brightening her baby face, but those eyes...they tell a story you'll never know if you don't try to see past the happy-go-lucky, light at heart, cheerful, seemingly little girl. You allow this thought to be fleeting, and get lost again in what seems to be a neverending happy person.
One day, you come across her in a room alone, and that wrinkle is there again, and she is deep in thought, not noticing your presence. You clear your throat, so that she notices you. She looks up, and smiles a soft smile that you're not sure you've seen before. You suddenly want to know her. To know her story. You want to know this girl with the "believe" tattoo and the Jesus fish on her wrists. You want to know what causes her to seem so troubled at times yet so lighthearted. You want explanation as to why her eyes emit someone so much older than her features show. She might just tell you, if you are willing to try. You must be patient. While she smiles at everyone and never meets a stranger, ask people who know her. You will soon discover that she does not often talk about herself. She listens. She is slow to speak. Ask them how much they know about her. She does this on purpose. She knows people deeply but she fears the hurt of being known deeply. She wants and strives for an easy grace and quiet confidence. You've seen her get angry, but it's silent anger that not many notice, but you see those white knuckles clenched after it is clear she can tell that abuse is apparent in a relationship. Keep trying. She might just be worth it. You might be able to convince her, too.
One day, you come across her in a room alone, and that wrinkle is there again, and she is deep in thought, not noticing your presence. You clear your throat, so that she notices you. She looks up, and smiles a soft smile that you're not sure you've seen before. You suddenly want to know her. To know her story. You want to know this girl with the "believe" tattoo and the Jesus fish on her wrists. You want to know what causes her to seem so troubled at times yet so lighthearted. You want explanation as to why her eyes emit someone so much older than her features show. She might just tell you, if you are willing to try. You must be patient. While she smiles at everyone and never meets a stranger, ask people who know her. You will soon discover that she does not often talk about herself. She listens. She is slow to speak. Ask them how much they know about her. She does this on purpose. She knows people deeply but she fears the hurt of being known deeply. She wants and strives for an easy grace and quiet confidence. You've seen her get angry, but it's silent anger that not many notice, but you see those white knuckles clenched after it is clear she can tell that abuse is apparent in a relationship. Keep trying. She might just be worth it. You might be able to convince her, too.
Tuesday, July 3, 2012
Learning to Breathe
Sometimes I like to look back and see where I've been and where I am now. Sometimes it's pretty frustrating to do this, because I see so much "two steps forward, 4 steps back," and so on. BUT, that's just me being hypercritical of myself, and even succumbing to the expectations of those around me. Here's a story for you:
Think about it. You're just fine, going on with life, thinking you've found a good place to be, and you lose a job. Your whole life is uprooted to a new city where you have some family you *kind of* know and some friends that you *used to* know and find yourself a bit lost. You begin to get comfortable in your surroundings and in your own skin again. Then, several things happen that make you question your ability, heart, and life direction. You find comfort in a friend that seems genuine, then something unimaginable happens, and you've gone right back into that shell that you started in. You question yourself even more, wondering how you could be so stupid, what you did wrong, why you are alone here. You lose yourself somewhere along the way in the monotany of work and school, which you started back for earlier mentioned direction change, and completely lose your focus of the thing that has mattered the most to you. You have to have a pretty major surgery that keeps you down for the count for a bit. You FINALLY go back to work, and your new town that you had started to HATE while being at home healing. You have no idea how to find contentment where the Lord has you because you are MISERABLE. You attempt to find a church that will be life-giving and teach you, and help you find your way back, but you are greeted with first cold shoulders, then with a scene that could only be seen in the movie "Saved." You try, really try, to like aforementioned church and try to make friends, but it just does not fit you or your desire to know the Lord on a deeper level. You accept that you might not be into the "cool" church that you have heard so much about all these years. You have moved areas at work, and you love the new place you are in. You have finally decided that while everyone DOES think you're crazy for continuing school, you know your path and have a vision for your future given to you by the Lord. You are still attempting to find a church to really call home, but you have friends now, friends that desire that for you as well, and intend to help you find it. You still think back to the aforementioned broken trust, but knowing that you could not control what happened and you must move on from it. You still struggle with your self image and you still have to tell yourself food is not your enemy every day, but you're trying. You pray. You feel like you can breathe again. You feel more comfortable in your own skin again. You're you, hoping that you can continue on this crazy, beaten, curvy, trippy, NARROW path the Lord has led you on. You KNOW there will be self-made detours, but you also KNOW He will gently guide you back...or not so gently, if necessary. Because, if there is one thing you know, He WILL fight for you. And, that is okay. Love you guys.
Think about it. You're just fine, going on with life, thinking you've found a good place to be, and you lose a job. Your whole life is uprooted to a new city where you have some family you *kind of* know and some friends that you *used to* know and find yourself a bit lost. You begin to get comfortable in your surroundings and in your own skin again. Then, several things happen that make you question your ability, heart, and life direction. You find comfort in a friend that seems genuine, then something unimaginable happens, and you've gone right back into that shell that you started in. You question yourself even more, wondering how you could be so stupid, what you did wrong, why you are alone here. You lose yourself somewhere along the way in the monotany of work and school, which you started back for earlier mentioned direction change, and completely lose your focus of the thing that has mattered the most to you. You have to have a pretty major surgery that keeps you down for the count for a bit. You FINALLY go back to work, and your new town that you had started to HATE while being at home healing. You have no idea how to find contentment where the Lord has you because you are MISERABLE. You attempt to find a church that will be life-giving and teach you, and help you find your way back, but you are greeted with first cold shoulders, then with a scene that could only be seen in the movie "Saved." You try, really try, to like aforementioned church and try to make friends, but it just does not fit you or your desire to know the Lord on a deeper level. You accept that you might not be into the "cool" church that you have heard so much about all these years. You have moved areas at work, and you love the new place you are in. You have finally decided that while everyone DOES think you're crazy for continuing school, you know your path and have a vision for your future given to you by the Lord. You are still attempting to find a church to really call home, but you have friends now, friends that desire that for you as well, and intend to help you find it. You still think back to the aforementioned broken trust, but knowing that you could not control what happened and you must move on from it. You still struggle with your self image and you still have to tell yourself food is not your enemy every day, but you're trying. You pray. You feel like you can breathe again. You feel more comfortable in your own skin again. You're you, hoping that you can continue on this crazy, beaten, curvy, trippy, NARROW path the Lord has led you on. You KNOW there will be self-made detours, but you also KNOW He will gently guide you back...or not so gently, if necessary. Because, if there is one thing you know, He WILL fight for you. And, that is okay. Love you guys.
Monday, April 30, 2012
It has now been just over a year since I moved to Birmingham. My life here has taken on new meaning as I understand the statement, wherever you are, BE there. I haven't BEEN here the past year. I've been wherever I intend on being after I leave Birmingham. I have found this is no way to live. I'm wasting my life in tomorrow when I'm never guaranteed that.
I'm here now. Let the games begin.
I'm here now. Let the games begin.
Friday, April 20, 2012
Dear Sir
Dear Sir,
I always asserted that nothing bad could happen to me. I'm WAY too guarded and too smart to put myself in a situation where I could be taken advantage of. When my mother told me that I shouldn't do this or that because it could be unsafe, I'd scoff at her and inform her that there was no way I'd be stupid enough to find myself in an unsafe situation...that I don't spend time alone with people that I don't trust. You proved me wrong, sir. You appeared to be someone I could trust, so I did. Little did I know you were calculating and manipulative. Little did I know that to you, I was an object, one that could be formed into whatever you wanted. Little did I know how disgusting you are.
Thank you, for teaching me never to disregard my mother's words, ever again.
However, you took things from me that I can't ever get back. You hurt me physically and mentally in ways I thought could never occur in my life. You made me ashamed of myself. You took advantage of the fact that I trusted you enough to be my friend. There are no amount of words that can express to you the sleepless nights you have caused or the questioning you have allowed Satan to place in my heart. You had the GALL to act as though nothing you did was wrong and then a month later to say that you knew what you did and that it was "not cool," which is the worst kind of understatement.
This isn't a second chance kind of opportunity for you, sir...and how dare you ask. You never had a first chance given...you took it. Stay away from me.
Sincerely,
Leah
Lord, help me to forgive as You forgive...remind me that even though I have hatred in my heart, You do not and You love him despite the things he has done. Help me to move on, as I know I will never, ever forget.
Friends, I realize this post is mostly frightening to you as you imagine what I might have gone through. Know that I'm okay, God is in control, and even though bad things happen, I'm His child. I'll be okay. Know that.
I always asserted that nothing bad could happen to me. I'm WAY too guarded and too smart to put myself in a situation where I could be taken advantage of. When my mother told me that I shouldn't do this or that because it could be unsafe, I'd scoff at her and inform her that there was no way I'd be stupid enough to find myself in an unsafe situation...that I don't spend time alone with people that I don't trust. You proved me wrong, sir. You appeared to be someone I could trust, so I did. Little did I know you were calculating and manipulative. Little did I know that to you, I was an object, one that could be formed into whatever you wanted. Little did I know how disgusting you are.
Thank you, for teaching me never to disregard my mother's words, ever again.
However, you took things from me that I can't ever get back. You hurt me physically and mentally in ways I thought could never occur in my life. You made me ashamed of myself. You took advantage of the fact that I trusted you enough to be my friend. There are no amount of words that can express to you the sleepless nights you have caused or the questioning you have allowed Satan to place in my heart. You had the GALL to act as though nothing you did was wrong and then a month later to say that you knew what you did and that it was "not cool," which is the worst kind of understatement.
This isn't a second chance kind of opportunity for you, sir...and how dare you ask. You never had a first chance given...you took it. Stay away from me.
Sincerely,
Leah
Lord, help me to forgive as You forgive...remind me that even though I have hatred in my heart, You do not and You love him despite the things he has done. Help me to move on, as I know I will never, ever forget.
Friends, I realize this post is mostly frightening to you as you imagine what I might have gone through. Know that I'm okay, God is in control, and even though bad things happen, I'm His child. I'll be okay. Know that.
Sunday, April 15, 2012
Hold Me Jesus...
Sometimes, I'm okay. Then, it hits me like a brick. My Dad is dead. I'm never going to see him again as long as I live on this earth. I'll never receive the comfort that only a daddy can provide his little girl. It's the little things. Like seeing my nieces and nephew knowing how much joy they would bring him. Seeing sweet Ellie, with her fiery personality, knowing she'll never know her Paw-Paw, from whom she got those beautiful blue eyes. How my Mom has no one to share her moments with anymore and how it hurts her more than she lets on and more than I could ever imagine. There are days when I don't want to get out of bed because of the crippling pain this causes. Yes. It has been almost three years (in August) but no matter how much time passes, it still hurts. A lot.
I miss him more than any amount of words I could write or say. I'll never understand why he was taken from me so soon. I won't pretend like I don't still ask God why. But, I know this- God is faithful. He is my comfort in times of weakness and in my weakness He is made strong. I am certainly weak right now- but it is well. My Dad is with Jesus. He's happier and healthier than he ever could have been on this earth. I miss him, and I'll miss him forever. The beautiful thing is that I don't have to understand why. God holds me in his hands. Tonight, I ask that he hold me a little tighter.
I miss him more than any amount of words I could write or say. I'll never understand why he was taken from me so soon. I won't pretend like I don't still ask God why. But, I know this- God is faithful. He is my comfort in times of weakness and in my weakness He is made strong. I am certainly weak right now- but it is well. My Dad is with Jesus. He's happier and healthier than he ever could have been on this earth. I miss him, and I'll miss him forever. The beautiful thing is that I don't have to understand why. God holds me in his hands. Tonight, I ask that he hold me a little tighter.
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