INFJ

I did the Myers-Briggs personality test again today. I am an INFJ, still. 1% of the population shares this with me. I think I keep taking this test in the hopes that I will begin to become part of the majority if I try hard enough. But why? As I go about my business of being a 30 year old who still doesn't know what she wants to be when she grows up, I, believe it or not, take comfort in the fact that I'm different. There are not that many people like me. That's pretty awesome. God created me to be an individual and He apparently really keyed in the individual portion when He made me. How amazing is that realization? So, I'll go about my merry way and continue trying to live to the best of my abilities. I want to be excellent. I want to teach people. I want to share my passion and help people FEEL what I feel about social justice. I want to show God's love to people in a way that communicates His love IN love. I want to change the world. And, my friends, you might not believe me...but I will.
Love.

What Doesn't Kill You...

The phrase, "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger," is a good, true phrase. HOWEVER, when I'm in the situation and it's currently feeling pretty darn sorry, I don't want to hear it. I don't want to hear it when I'm in tears after having my character ripped apart by a person who does not like me and another who does not know me. It is always said with the intent to help someone feel better, but I'm sorry, it NEVER does. Looking back, I can see where situations where I thought something might kill me DID, in fact, make me stronger. BUT, don't expect a good response if you tell someone this in the heat of a moment. I have grown exponentially, however, in that I did not snap at the person who said it to me in this situation today.

I did have a poor, pitiful me kind of day. I wonder how I can stay late and help people when it's not my job or my area, encourage those who I feel are having difficult times, and at the very minimal level, do my job and STILL not do anything right. I cried at work, which is something I haven't done in AGES and felt incredibly FOOLISH doing so. But, I love people. I love the Lord. I want both of those things to show, and by and large I'm told it is apparent. It's AMAZING how TWO people out of a massive amount of people can completely ruin my thought process and mess with my head regarding my capabilities. I take the comments from people that don't know me and don't like me and I personalize it to the point that I just KNOW everyone else feels that way. I know this is not so, but today I believed it. I believed the devil's lies and I let him completely ruin my day and most of my evening. I cannot DO this anymore. I'm letting him win when I do. God knocked me upside the head this evening- and reminded me that I feel weak right now, but in my weakness He is made strong, which is way better than me even at my strongest. THAT, my friends, should be more than enough for a lifetime of comfort. I'm praying that I let it be enough and stop being my own worst enemy. 

Love.

Ramblings

I was trying to explain to a friend of mine the path I'm on and why I was considering not doing anything medical anymore after insisting that I knew that was what I was supposed to do. I realized, he probably thought I was incredibly flighty, but received what I was saying with such grace, and it got me thinking. I think it's funny how much my plans change, and I think that friends chuckle at my lack of commitment to a plan. Of course, they would never tell me that. I'm sure some people, especially those close to me, get the urge to say "MAKE UP YOUR MIND CRAZY GIRL! SETTLE DOWN! DECIDE WHAT YOU WANT TO BE AND DO AND STICK TO IT!!!!!!!" I'm thankful for the grace that I've received from my friends and family in listening to me and encouraging me each time I change my plan. That's the thing, though. It keeps being MY plan. It's NEVER going to work when it's my plan. I've been praying through and trying to figure out where God wants me- what he wants from my life. What I have come to conclude, is that he wants me to seek him- every day. Every hour. Every minute. Yes, cliche as it is, every SECOND. I am no longer seeking a new career as a nurse. Or a physical therapist. There is a reason I changed to social work in the first place from pre-med my freshman year, and it was because I love people. I'm NOT saying medical people don't love people, obviously they do. But, my kind of love is different in that I love to love on people exactly where they are, whatever their injuries are, whatever their situation is. I love helping them, talking with them, helping them figure things out, and mostly, LOVING on them. I really have lost sight of that in the shuffle of everyday work. I get frustrated and am so easily doubtful of people and their intentions. I know some of that is growing up, and some of it is good to discern whether or not a person is trying to take advantage of me. But, my purpose in life is to be there and help these people (in whatever setting that may be).
I do believe, however, that I have a bigger calling on my life. I'm not really 100% sure what that is at this point, and I believe that my changing career paths via school over and over again has been my way of delaying or running away from it. I have to start seeking God's wants for me, and not my wants. I have to stop worrying about the future and live right now. I ask that you guys come alongside me and pray for me when you think about it. I'm on a journey. I'm trying to be less flight risk, more committal. We'll see how it goes!
Love you guys:).

I try to be cool...

But I'm not. :)

I met some of my very favorite youtubers tonight, eleventhgorgeous. I was such a nervous dork, but they were super sweet. They have inspired me to branch out in my blog life and I started another blog, called glutenfreefirstworldproblems. I'm going to post all kinds of stuff on that one, including beauty tips, gluten free stuff, any crafts I do...it will be my schmorgesborg of things that are my life right now. Compared to the other posts on this blog, this was fairly lighthearted, which is another purpose for my second blog. This one tends to be the side of me that is serious and insightful, but believe it or not, I am NOT a melancholy individual. Hopefully this blog and that will allow people in to see who I am and who I want to be. After all, I am still figuring that out.
Only by His Grace,
Leah

1% of the WHOLE population...

I just took a Myers Briggs personality test. Everything makes so much sense to me now. I got the INFJ personality profile, which stands for Introvert, Intuitive, Intuitive Feeling, and Judging. I am officially in the minority. I am of similar personality with 1% of our entire world. That's a little crazy. However, I am in good company, with famous philanthropists Nelson Mandella, Mahatma Gandhi, Mother Teresa, and Adam Sandler, among others. Yes, I realize Adam Sandler isn't on the same level as the others, but I love him so he gets to be on my list:). I am described as a "protector." It says that I am usually right, and that I usually know it. That doesn't sound like me at all! (Yeah, right). It also says that I am stubborn because I refuse to step outside of my ideals. And, surprise of all surprises, that I am hard to get to know and tend to internalize conflict inside my body which results in health problems when under stress. It's uncanny when I read the description how spot-on this was. Just thought I'd let you guys know, when you find yourself not understanding me, this is why:).
Bye loves!
Leah

Sad eyes, bright smile...

There is a story behind those crazy kaleidoscope eyes. She walks with a quiet confidence and grace that not many can understand. She's got the face of a child, but the heart and soul of a woman. She loves people; sometimes you think she loves people too much. Sometimes, you see her deep in thought and you wonder what on earth could be causing the wrinkle in between her eyebrows. You clear your throat to get her attention and she smiles, brightening her baby face, but those eyes...they tell a story you'll never know if you don't try to see past the happy-go-lucky, light at heart, cheerful, seemingly little girl. You allow this thought to be fleeting, and get lost again in what seems to be a neverending happy person.

One day, you come across her in a room alone, and that wrinkle is there again, and she is deep in thought, not noticing your presence. You clear your throat, so that she notices you. She looks up, and smiles a soft smile that you're not sure you've seen before. You suddenly want to know her. To know her story. You want to know this girl with the "believe" tattoo and the Jesus fish on her wrists. You want to know what causes her to seem so troubled at times yet so lighthearted. You want explanation as to why her eyes emit someone so much older than her features show. She might just tell you, if you are willing to try. You must be patient. While she smiles at everyone and never meets a stranger, ask people who know her. You will soon discover that she does not often talk about herself. She listens. She is slow to speak. Ask them how much they know about her. She does this on purpose. She knows people deeply but she fears the hurt of being known deeply. She wants and strives for an easy grace and quiet confidence. You've seen her get angry, but it's silent anger that not many notice, but you see those white knuckles clenched after it is clear she can tell that abuse is apparent in a relationship. Keep trying. She might just be worth it. You might be able to convince her, too.

Learning to Breathe

Sometimes I like to look back and see where I've been and where I am now. Sometimes it's pretty frustrating to do this, because I see so much "two steps forward, 4 steps back," and so on. BUT, that's just me being hypercritical of myself, and even succumbing to the expectations of those around me. Here's a story for you:

Think about it. You're just fine, going on with life, thinking you've found a good place to be, and you lose a job. Your whole life is uprooted to a new city where you have some family you *kind of* know and some friends that you *used to* know and find yourself a bit lost. You begin to get comfortable in your surroundings and in your own skin again. Then, several things happen that make you question your ability, heart, and life direction. You find comfort in a friend that seems genuine, then something unimaginable happens, and you've gone right back into that shell that you started in. You question yourself even more, wondering how you could be so stupid, what you did wrong, why you are alone here. You lose yourself somewhere along the way in the monotany of work and school, which you started back for earlier mentioned direction change, and completely lose your focus of the thing that has mattered the most to you. You have to have a pretty major surgery that keeps you down for the count for a bit. You FINALLY go back to work, and your new town that you had started to HATE while being at home healing. You have no idea how to find contentment where the Lord has you because you are MISERABLE. You attempt to find a church that will be life-giving and teach you, and help you find your way back, but you are greeted with first cold shoulders, then with a scene that could only be seen in the movie "Saved." You try, really try, to like aforementioned church and try to make friends, but it just does not fit you or your desire to know the Lord on a deeper level. You accept that you might not be into the "cool" church that you have heard so much about all these years. You have moved areas at work, and you love the new place you are in. You have finally decided that while everyone DOES think you're crazy for continuing school, you know your path and have a vision for your future given to you by the Lord. You are still attempting to find a church to really call home, but you have friends now, friends that desire that for you as well, and intend to help you find it. You still think back to the aforementioned broken trust, but knowing that you could not control what happened and you must move on from it. You still struggle with your self image and you still have to tell yourself food is not your enemy every day, but you're trying. You pray. You feel like you can breathe again. You feel more comfortable in your own skin again. You're you, hoping that you can continue on this crazy, beaten, curvy, trippy, NARROW path the Lord has led you on. You KNOW there will be self-made detours, but you also KNOW He will gently guide you back...or not so gently, if necessary. Because, if there is one thing you know, He WILL fight for you. And, that is okay. Love you guys.