I was listening to my "Country Women" playlist tonight, don't hate, on my way home to see my family from work. Since today is my actual birthday something just felt wrong not coming home to see my Mom. Anyways, I digress. I was listening to Carrie Underwood's song "So Small." It's a great song, and I find it to be true, like many songs I listen to, in my daily life. A snippet that hit me pretty hard tonight:
"It's so easy to get lost inside a problem that seems so big at the time; it's like a river that's so wide, it swallows you whole. While you're sitting 'round thinking 'bout what you can't change and worrying about all the wrong things; time's flying by, moving so fast. You better make it count cause you can't get it back. Sometimes, that mountain you've been climbing is just a grain of sand. And what you've been out there searching for forever is in your hand. And when you figure out love is all that matters after all, it sure makes everything else seem so small!"
I mean, seriously, it's amazing how a simple song can carry so much weight and hit so close to home. My dad used to always tell me, "If you can change it, change it. If you can't, don't worry about it. No use wasting that pretty smile on a frown, or that wrinkling that pretty forehead. One thing at a time, baby." He knew me better than anyone in moments like that, because he could see that I had taken the weight of the world on my shoulders, quite literally. I get lost in problems more often than I would like to admit; my own and others'. I have a fickle heart. I run from people that make me want to stay for fear of rejection down the road. I have small faith. I have seen the Lord work miracles in my life and my friends' lives time and time again, yet I still have the ability to freak out about things. How does that make Him feel? To constantly prove Himself to be faithful to take care of me only to have me doubt the next time around? What's amazing is that He loves me...and He takes care of me, even when He knows I'm full of doubt; that He has to help me in my unbelief. My friends love me. My family loves me. In one day, I had a new friend call me amazing, another dear old friend tell me that I'm a vessel of grace and peace, another still tell me I had a fierce heart, and still another tell me that I deserved a wonderful birthday because I had a caring and giving heart. It's AMAZING to me that people see these things in me- that I am such a mess and yet am incredibly loved! I am humbled by that love, and sure do hope to make my friends feel as good as they make me feel. I am so, so blessed. I am who I am because of the people that I'm blessed to know and love through the grace of Jesus Christ...each and every one of you. Thank you loves.
Saturday, August 27, 2011
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Another Birthday
Three years ago on August 27th, my 26th birthday, I spoke to my Dad for the last time. He called, as he often does, on my birthday, and sang Happy Birthday to me and we spoke briefly. I was too preoccupied with my own life to spend more time talking to him than I normally did, simply because I knew he would be around the next day or the next for me to talk to. Come to find out, he had been planning on coming to visit me with my Mom that weekend to surprise me since I had moved to Louisville at the beginning of the month, but then he ended up having some complications with his hemmorhoid surgery and the doc told him he would probably be really uncomfortable traveling 4 hours. So, I was none the wiser and therefore not disappointed when my parents decided they'd have to come visit another time. My mom told me about this thoughtful hopeful surprise my Dad had planned after I heard the news of his passing. I spent the night with my friend Anna, and we got home really late/early in the morning, so we went to sleep. I didn't know I had put my phone on vibrate and so when I received a call at 5am, I did not pick it up. I also slept through several additional calls and some text messages. I woke up at 10am and went to my phone to check it and found everyone in my family had called or texted me, so I panicked. I called my mom, and after a brief moment of explanation as to why I had not answered my phone, she said these words, "Your Daddy died this morning."
Going over that right now, typing it, still stops my heart to see it or say it. I began to hyperventilate, and couldn't believe that it was possible. I said no over and over again, and sent my friend Anna into a panic. I told her "My Dad died this morning," which sent her into a panic, and she began calling friends that were out of town to let them know what happened. My mom was crying on the other line and kept saying she was sorry she had to tell me like that, but didn't want to make me come home without any knowledge of why. I told Anna I didn't think I'd be able to drive myself home, so she quickly offered to take me home. I said I didn't know how I would get back to Louisville, so her Dad quickly was called and he booked me a flight to return to Louisville later that week. I was numb the whole way home. We stopped to eat a few times. I would randomly start crying in disbelief, and other times I sat in silence. Anytime I had to tell someone that my Dad died, new tears would come for me, Anna, and her roommate Karina, who had taken the trip with us as well. I couldn't BELIEVE that just days prior I had spoken to my Dad, and he had sounded happy and healthy. To hear that he stopped breathing at 5am this morning and my brother was unable to revive him sounded impossible...a nightmare. By the time I got home, I didn't have any tears left. I was hugged by many that were eagerly waiting my arrival; and I really didn't want to see or talk to anyone. I couldn't believe it. I wouldn't accept it. The next couple of days were a BLUR. I went with my mom to plan the funeral- agreed to sing as it would have been my Dad's wish and got some of my friends to participate in the worship portion as well. We went to the visitation and it was at that moment that it became real to me. My Daddy was gone. He was already up in Heaven, dancing with Jesus, completely whole and without a care in the world. No matter how amazing it is to know that, my heart was broken...it still is. The funeral was the next day, and over the course of the two days of the celebration of my Dad's life, I heard so many good things and how proud he was of me and how much he loved me, but I appreciate those things now. I didn't then; didn't want to hear my Dad in the context of the past tense. All I could think of was that I brushed him off to go spend time with friends and I could have talked to him longer than 30 minutes on my birthday. I know that this was not a healthy thought- I had no way of knowing he would be gone, and I fully expected to have a really long and jovial talk with him on that Saturday, the first Bama game of the season. No one expected it. We were all fortunate to have some kind of special moment with him shortly before he passed, though.
I am blessed to have had such an amazing Daddy. He frustrated me to no end at times and we were both stubborn which caused us to butt heads. He caused some hurt in my life but I am fortunate that the Lord provided healing in that relationship well before I lost him. But, I also know he loved me more than anything and he would have walked through fire for me if it had been necessary, even when our relationship was difficult. SO, obviously, my birthday has taken on new meaning to me at this point in my life. I don't really care to celebrate my life or how long I've lived...I don't really like my birthday all that much at all. I miss my Dad. I wish he were still around to call me and sing Happy Birthday, and tell me that he loves me. I wish I could hear his voice, hear his reassurance when times are difficult...get one of his hugs...hear one of his sayings come out of his mouth. I love that man more than anything. I love that he is whole again and has both legs. I love the assurance that he IS with Jesus, and that it was clearly his time to go home. I sure do wish he could still be here though. I have a feeling that no matter how long it's been, it's still going to be hard. Richard Aaron Barrier, I miss you and I love you forever. 10/7/50-8/30/08
Going over that right now, typing it, still stops my heart to see it or say it. I began to hyperventilate, and couldn't believe that it was possible. I said no over and over again, and sent my friend Anna into a panic. I told her "My Dad died this morning," which sent her into a panic, and she began calling friends that were out of town to let them know what happened. My mom was crying on the other line and kept saying she was sorry she had to tell me like that, but didn't want to make me come home without any knowledge of why. I told Anna I didn't think I'd be able to drive myself home, so she quickly offered to take me home. I said I didn't know how I would get back to Louisville, so her Dad quickly was called and he booked me a flight to return to Louisville later that week. I was numb the whole way home. We stopped to eat a few times. I would randomly start crying in disbelief, and other times I sat in silence. Anytime I had to tell someone that my Dad died, new tears would come for me, Anna, and her roommate Karina, who had taken the trip with us as well. I couldn't BELIEVE that just days prior I had spoken to my Dad, and he had sounded happy and healthy. To hear that he stopped breathing at 5am this morning and my brother was unable to revive him sounded impossible...a nightmare. By the time I got home, I didn't have any tears left. I was hugged by many that were eagerly waiting my arrival; and I really didn't want to see or talk to anyone. I couldn't believe it. I wouldn't accept it. The next couple of days were a BLUR. I went with my mom to plan the funeral- agreed to sing as it would have been my Dad's wish and got some of my friends to participate in the worship portion as well. We went to the visitation and it was at that moment that it became real to me. My Daddy was gone. He was already up in Heaven, dancing with Jesus, completely whole and without a care in the world. No matter how amazing it is to know that, my heart was broken...it still is. The funeral was the next day, and over the course of the two days of the celebration of my Dad's life, I heard so many good things and how proud he was of me and how much he loved me, but I appreciate those things now. I didn't then; didn't want to hear my Dad in the context of the past tense. All I could think of was that I brushed him off to go spend time with friends and I could have talked to him longer than 30 minutes on my birthday. I know that this was not a healthy thought- I had no way of knowing he would be gone, and I fully expected to have a really long and jovial talk with him on that Saturday, the first Bama game of the season. No one expected it. We were all fortunate to have some kind of special moment with him shortly before he passed, though.
I am blessed to have had such an amazing Daddy. He frustrated me to no end at times and we were both stubborn which caused us to butt heads. He caused some hurt in my life but I am fortunate that the Lord provided healing in that relationship well before I lost him. But, I also know he loved me more than anything and he would have walked through fire for me if it had been necessary, even when our relationship was difficult. SO, obviously, my birthday has taken on new meaning to me at this point in my life. I don't really care to celebrate my life or how long I've lived...I don't really like my birthday all that much at all. I miss my Dad. I wish he were still around to call me and sing Happy Birthday, and tell me that he loves me. I wish I could hear his voice, hear his reassurance when times are difficult...get one of his hugs...hear one of his sayings come out of his mouth. I love that man more than anything. I love that he is whole again and has both legs. I love the assurance that he IS with Jesus, and that it was clearly his time to go home. I sure do wish he could still be here though. I have a feeling that no matter how long it's been, it's still going to be hard. Richard Aaron Barrier, I miss you and I love you forever. 10/7/50-8/30/08
Friday, August 19, 2011
Brave New World
So, here I am, 28 years old, nowhere near where I thought I'd be. Strangely, though, I find this all okay...freeing even. I'm beginning to understand that there is nothing wrong with exploring new things and going on new adventures constantly. I have experienced more in my 28 years than some will have experienced in their whole lifetime. I've seen slums on the other side of the world, I've seen ridiculously rich people (none the happier) on this side of the world. I've lived on the coast and as far north as my little southern self would permit:). I've met more people and made more lifelong friends than I deserve. I've kept old ones the whole time, and gotten closer to some that I really can't imagine my life without at this point. I've experienced pain that I never prepared myself for and joy beyond my greatest imagination.
People often look down on me for continuing my journey, not "settling down" as a good 20-something southern girl should. I think those that know me and have come to love me (however undeserved that love I receive might be) understand that I am a flight risk. I get uncomfortable in comfort and restless in monotany. Sure, I have 2 1/2 degrees and I'm working on another, but I still have a career. Sure, I've moved a lot but I have constants in my life no matter where I go. I'm good. Sometimes it's hard, starting over in new places, but then it gets better, and I find home wherever I go. Plus, I know no matter where I go or what I do, there will always be a safe place for me to go, in the arms of my sweet Jesus; and my sweet Mom is never but a phone call away. I'm blessed beyond belief and far more than I deserve.
Sure, I have my flaws that I notice more often than anything else. I am stubborn and don't have a great ability to keep my mouth shut. I cannot stand for the truth not to be known, and sometimes that gets me in trouble. I am honest to a fault and sometimes that causes me to hurt feelings without even realizing it. I love hard and totally and that gets me stomped on over and over again. I am way too sensitive and tend to take everything to heart even if it isn't directed at me. I feel for people so completely that sometimes I get too involved and take things home with me that should be left. I have deep, deep scars that make it really hard for people to get to know me despite the amount of things I learn about them, and I rarely trust anyone fully. I am a creation of the most high God and I constantly let the mirror tell me things that I know not to be the truth which has often led me down a path of self-destruction.
However, I am saved by the redeeming blood of Jesus Christ and have his grace and mercy covering my life no matter what I do. It is amazing to me how He can love me despite the amount of times I go my own way and then have to crawl back to Him on bloody knees begging Him to clean me up and the mess I've left in my path back to Him. He is the reason I live and breathe and move, and the motivation behind me pursuing yet another degree. I want to be excellent, to, in the words of our US Army, be all that I can be- but through Him. I will settle down one day...and no doubt have a family; but I don't feel incomplete now. I know that I am made whole in Him and that is the only way that I'll remain satisfied. It's a daily walk, and I intend to get up tomorrow and take my cross again, hoping not to deviate. Welcome to my life, friends.
People often look down on me for continuing my journey, not "settling down" as a good 20-something southern girl should. I think those that know me and have come to love me (however undeserved that love I receive might be) understand that I am a flight risk. I get uncomfortable in comfort and restless in monotany. Sure, I have 2 1/2 degrees and I'm working on another, but I still have a career. Sure, I've moved a lot but I have constants in my life no matter where I go. I'm good. Sometimes it's hard, starting over in new places, but then it gets better, and I find home wherever I go. Plus, I know no matter where I go or what I do, there will always be a safe place for me to go, in the arms of my sweet Jesus; and my sweet Mom is never but a phone call away. I'm blessed beyond belief and far more than I deserve.
Sure, I have my flaws that I notice more often than anything else. I am stubborn and don't have a great ability to keep my mouth shut. I cannot stand for the truth not to be known, and sometimes that gets me in trouble. I am honest to a fault and sometimes that causes me to hurt feelings without even realizing it. I love hard and totally and that gets me stomped on over and over again. I am way too sensitive and tend to take everything to heart even if it isn't directed at me. I feel for people so completely that sometimes I get too involved and take things home with me that should be left. I have deep, deep scars that make it really hard for people to get to know me despite the amount of things I learn about them, and I rarely trust anyone fully. I am a creation of the most high God and I constantly let the mirror tell me things that I know not to be the truth which has often led me down a path of self-destruction.
However, I am saved by the redeeming blood of Jesus Christ and have his grace and mercy covering my life no matter what I do. It is amazing to me how He can love me despite the amount of times I go my own way and then have to crawl back to Him on bloody knees begging Him to clean me up and the mess I've left in my path back to Him. He is the reason I live and breathe and move, and the motivation behind me pursuing yet another degree. I want to be excellent, to, in the words of our US Army, be all that I can be- but through Him. I will settle down one day...and no doubt have a family; but I don't feel incomplete now. I know that I am made whole in Him and that is the only way that I'll remain satisfied. It's a daily walk, and I intend to get up tomorrow and take my cross again, hoping not to deviate. Welcome to my life, friends.
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