So, here I am, 28 years old, nowhere near where I thought I'd be. Strangely, though, I find this all okay...freeing even. I'm beginning to understand that there is nothing wrong with exploring new things and going on new adventures constantly. I have experienced more in my 28 years than some will have experienced in their whole lifetime. I've seen slums on the other side of the world, I've seen ridiculously rich people (none the happier) on this side of the world. I've lived on the coast and as far north as my little southern self would permit:). I've met more people and made more lifelong friends than I deserve. I've kept old ones the whole time, and gotten closer to some that I really can't imagine my life without at this point. I've experienced pain that I never prepared myself for and joy beyond my greatest imagination.
People often look down on me for continuing my journey, not "settling down" as a good 20-something southern girl should. I think those that know me and have come to love me (however undeserved that love I receive might be) understand that I am a flight risk. I get uncomfortable in comfort and restless in monotany. Sure, I have 2 1/2 degrees and I'm working on another, but I still have a career. Sure, I've moved a lot but I have constants in my life no matter where I go. I'm good. Sometimes it's hard, starting over in new places, but then it gets better, and I find home wherever I go. Plus, I know no matter where I go or what I do, there will always be a safe place for me to go, in the arms of my sweet Jesus; and my sweet Mom is never but a phone call away. I'm blessed beyond belief and far more than I deserve.
Sure, I have my flaws that I notice more often than anything else. I am stubborn and don't have a great ability to keep my mouth shut. I cannot stand for the truth not to be known, and sometimes that gets me in trouble. I am honest to a fault and sometimes that causes me to hurt feelings without even realizing it. I love hard and totally and that gets me stomped on over and over again. I am way too sensitive and tend to take everything to heart even if it isn't directed at me. I feel for people so completely that sometimes I get too involved and take things home with me that should be left. I have deep, deep scars that make it really hard for people to get to know me despite the amount of things I learn about them, and I rarely trust anyone fully. I am a creation of the most high God and I constantly let the mirror tell me things that I know not to be the truth which has often led me down a path of self-destruction.
However, I am saved by the redeeming blood of Jesus Christ and have his grace and mercy covering my life no matter what I do. It is amazing to me how He can love me despite the amount of times I go my own way and then have to crawl back to Him on bloody knees begging Him to clean me up and the mess I've left in my path back to Him. He is the reason I live and breathe and move, and the motivation behind me pursuing yet another degree. I want to be excellent, to, in the words of our US Army, be all that I can be- but through Him. I will settle down one day...and no doubt have a family; but I don't feel incomplete now. I know that I am made whole in Him and that is the only way that I'll remain satisfied. It's a daily walk, and I intend to get up tomorrow and take my cross again, hoping not to deviate. Welcome to my life, friends.
No comments:
Post a Comment