What A Beautiful Mess

“There is something beautiful about a billion stars held steady by a God who knows what He is doing. (They hang there, the stars, like notes on a page of music, free-form verse, silent mysteries swirling in the blue like jazz.) And as I lay there, it occurred to me that God is up there somewhere. Of course, I had always known He was, but this time I felt it, I realized it, the way a person realizes they are hungry or thirsty. The knowledge of God seeped out of my brain and into my heart. I imagined Him looking down on this earth, half angry because His beloved mankind had cheated on Him, had committed adultery, and yet hopelessly in love with her, drunk with love for her.”
- Donald Miller

 

I find myself in a "woe is me" state often, living away from home, not knowing that many people, and being extremely busy...waaa, waaa, waaaa. Who am I to have that attitude? I am nothing but a speck of dust on the vast playbook of eternity and I have to stop worrying about the things I want and start being thankful for the things I have. I must begin to passionately seek the Lord on a daily basis. I want to pursue excellence in all that I do. I want to enjoy living here, enjoy my job, and enjoy the possibility of new fellowship with new believers, and also the possiblity of rekindling new friendships with people that I know from back in college who have recently re-emerged in my life. I am blessed beyond belief with a roof over my head, never lacking in the things I need or really even the things I want, I have a job in this horrid economy, I am able to attend school, and I have WONDERFUL family and friends. I get so lost in me, me, me that I forget to acknowledge these things. I have the grace and mercy of the creator of the universe given to me every day and a passionate heart that he gave me to spread love to those who don't get it. These things are something to be excited about!!

 

Frankly, I lack discipline. I make these great big plans of how I will spend my day every day, what I will do and in what time frame. But, when it comes time to actually do the things I commit myself to, I find a way to NOT do it. For instance, I set a bed time so that I can get up early in the mornings before leaving to read my bible. But, I'll end up watching a re-run of some TV show that doesn't mean anything and staying up too late. Or, I'll commit to studying over the weekend but will find ANYTHING to do instead. This has to stop. I have to regain my ability to be disciplined in both my daily life and in my walk with the Lord. I don't want my lack of discipline lately to begin to reflect in my school work or at my job. Now friends, it takes a lot for me to admit a weakness because of that silly sin pride, but I've been told in my weakness He is made strong, so I guess I'm planning on allowing Him to be super strong:). Hey, after all, my God is so BIG, so STRONG, and so MIGHTY, there's nothing my God cannot do!

 

Lord, I thank you that YOU are what I'm supposed to talk about. That at the end of the day, nothing else matters but You. Thank You that no matter what I do or how far I stray, You will help me back and clean off my bloody knees that I skinned up crawling back to you through the messes that I make. Help me, Lord. Help me in my unbelief- in my lack of faith that You will take care of me. Thank You for the blessed assurance that You have my life in Your hands, that You have ordained my life and my future, and You have it all planned for my good. Thank You for making me, a disaster by my own hand, into a beautiful disaster. Here am I, Lord.

 

Welcome to my life, friends.

 

I'm not ready to make nice.

Forgive, sounds good...forget, I'm not sure I could. They say time heals everything, but I'm still waiting.

I have a new life. I have moved on, no doubt about it. But, who do you think you are...no sir, I will not ever talk to you again. I meant it when I said that. I am happy. I am free. I am learning to love again and let people in, and you will not ruin that. It's like that song by good ole T. Swift- "Wondering which version of you I might get on the phone tonight. Well, I stopped picking up and this song is to let you know why.......You'll add my name to your long list of traitors who don't understand, and I'll look back and regret how I ignored when they said run as fast as you can.......I took your matches before fire could catch me so don't look now; I'm shining like fireworks over your sad, empty town."

I recognize those are random lines from the song patched together but those are the ones that stick out to me as characteristic of that time of my life. I allowed a person to dictate the way that I felt. I walked on egg shells. I apologized for things that happened when I was the one who deserved the apologies. It blows my mind to look back on that time to see how much of a shell of Leah I was. I'm sure it horrified my mom and brothers. I was broken...bruised...beaten down. The life in my eyes and behind my smile was gone. So, no, sir...you will not call me and try to talk to me, or text me, or contact me at all. I have moved on from you. I'm happy. I'm where the Lord wants me to be with the right people...ones who build me up and don't tear me down. Sure, I've forgiven you. But, that's it. You don't get anything else from me. Thank the sweet Lord for helping me release all of that when I did. He's good like that.

"I've dealt with my ghosts and I've faced all my demons,
Finally content with a past I regret.
I've found you find strength in your moments of weakness,
For once I'm at peace with myself.
I've been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long.
I'm moving on.
I'm moving on,
At last I can see, life has been patiently waiting for me
And I know, there's no guarantees but I'm not alone.
There comes a time in everyone's life
When all you can see are the years passing by.
And I have made up my mind that those days are gone!" RF