What Doesn't Kill You...

The phrase, "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger," is a good, true phrase. HOWEVER, when I'm in the situation and it's currently feeling pretty darn sorry, I don't want to hear it. I don't want to hear it when I'm in tears after having my character ripped apart by a person who does not like me and another who does not know me. It is always said with the intent to help someone feel better, but I'm sorry, it NEVER does. Looking back, I can see where situations where I thought something might kill me DID, in fact, make me stronger. BUT, don't expect a good response if you tell someone this in the heat of a moment. I have grown exponentially, however, in that I did not snap at the person who said it to me in this situation today.

I did have a poor, pitiful me kind of day. I wonder how I can stay late and help people when it's not my job or my area, encourage those who I feel are having difficult times, and at the very minimal level, do my job and STILL not do anything right. I cried at work, which is something I haven't done in AGES and felt incredibly FOOLISH doing so. But, I love people. I love the Lord. I want both of those things to show, and by and large I'm told it is apparent. It's AMAZING how TWO people out of a massive amount of people can completely ruin my thought process and mess with my head regarding my capabilities. I take the comments from people that don't know me and don't like me and I personalize it to the point that I just KNOW everyone else feels that way. I know this is not so, but today I believed it. I believed the devil's lies and I let him completely ruin my day and most of my evening. I cannot DO this anymore. I'm letting him win when I do. God knocked me upside the head this evening- and reminded me that I feel weak right now, but in my weakness He is made strong, which is way better than me even at my strongest. THAT, my friends, should be more than enough for a lifetime of comfort. I'm praying that I let it be enough and stop being my own worst enemy. 

Love.

Ramblings

I was trying to explain to a friend of mine the path I'm on and why I was considering not doing anything medical anymore after insisting that I knew that was what I was supposed to do. I realized, he probably thought I was incredibly flighty, but received what I was saying with such grace, and it got me thinking. I think it's funny how much my plans change, and I think that friends chuckle at my lack of commitment to a plan. Of course, they would never tell me that. I'm sure some people, especially those close to me, get the urge to say "MAKE UP YOUR MIND CRAZY GIRL! SETTLE DOWN! DECIDE WHAT YOU WANT TO BE AND DO AND STICK TO IT!!!!!!!" I'm thankful for the grace that I've received from my friends and family in listening to me and encouraging me each time I change my plan. That's the thing, though. It keeps being MY plan. It's NEVER going to work when it's my plan. I've been praying through and trying to figure out where God wants me- what he wants from my life. What I have come to conclude, is that he wants me to seek him- every day. Every hour. Every minute. Yes, cliche as it is, every SECOND. I am no longer seeking a new career as a nurse. Or a physical therapist. There is a reason I changed to social work in the first place from pre-med my freshman year, and it was because I love people. I'm NOT saying medical people don't love people, obviously they do. But, my kind of love is different in that I love to love on people exactly where they are, whatever their injuries are, whatever their situation is. I love helping them, talking with them, helping them figure things out, and mostly, LOVING on them. I really have lost sight of that in the shuffle of everyday work. I get frustrated and am so easily doubtful of people and their intentions. I know some of that is growing up, and some of it is good to discern whether or not a person is trying to take advantage of me. But, my purpose in life is to be there and help these people (in whatever setting that may be).
I do believe, however, that I have a bigger calling on my life. I'm not really 100% sure what that is at this point, and I believe that my changing career paths via school over and over again has been my way of delaying or running away from it. I have to start seeking God's wants for me, and not my wants. I have to stop worrying about the future and live right now. I ask that you guys come alongside me and pray for me when you think about it. I'm on a journey. I'm trying to be less flight risk, more committal. We'll see how it goes!
Love you guys:).