What A Beautiful Mess

“There is something beautiful about a billion stars held steady by a God who knows what He is doing. (They hang there, the stars, like notes on a page of music, free-form verse, silent mysteries swirling in the blue like jazz.) And as I lay there, it occurred to me that God is up there somewhere. Of course, I had always known He was, but this time I felt it, I realized it, the way a person realizes they are hungry or thirsty. The knowledge of God seeped out of my brain and into my heart. I imagined Him looking down on this earth, half angry because His beloved mankind had cheated on Him, had committed adultery, and yet hopelessly in love with her, drunk with love for her.”
- Donald Miller

 

I find myself in a "woe is me" state often, living away from home, not knowing that many people, and being extremely busy...waaa, waaa, waaaa. Who am I to have that attitude? I am nothing but a speck of dust on the vast playbook of eternity and I have to stop worrying about the things I want and start being thankful for the things I have. I must begin to passionately seek the Lord on a daily basis. I want to pursue excellence in all that I do. I want to enjoy living here, enjoy my job, and enjoy the possibility of new fellowship with new believers, and also the possiblity of rekindling new friendships with people that I know from back in college who have recently re-emerged in my life. I am blessed beyond belief with a roof over my head, never lacking in the things I need or really even the things I want, I have a job in this horrid economy, I am able to attend school, and I have WONDERFUL family and friends. I get so lost in me, me, me that I forget to acknowledge these things. I have the grace and mercy of the creator of the universe given to me every day and a passionate heart that he gave me to spread love to those who don't get it. These things are something to be excited about!!

 

Frankly, I lack discipline. I make these great big plans of how I will spend my day every day, what I will do and in what time frame. But, when it comes time to actually do the things I commit myself to, I find a way to NOT do it. For instance, I set a bed time so that I can get up early in the mornings before leaving to read my bible. But, I'll end up watching a re-run of some TV show that doesn't mean anything and staying up too late. Or, I'll commit to studying over the weekend but will find ANYTHING to do instead. This has to stop. I have to regain my ability to be disciplined in both my daily life and in my walk with the Lord. I don't want my lack of discipline lately to begin to reflect in my school work or at my job. Now friends, it takes a lot for me to admit a weakness because of that silly sin pride, but I've been told in my weakness He is made strong, so I guess I'm planning on allowing Him to be super strong:). Hey, after all, my God is so BIG, so STRONG, and so MIGHTY, there's nothing my God cannot do!

 

Lord, I thank you that YOU are what I'm supposed to talk about. That at the end of the day, nothing else matters but You. Thank You that no matter what I do or how far I stray, You will help me back and clean off my bloody knees that I skinned up crawling back to you through the messes that I make. Help me, Lord. Help me in my unbelief- in my lack of faith that You will take care of me. Thank You for the blessed assurance that You have my life in Your hands, that You have ordained my life and my future, and You have it all planned for my good. Thank You for making me, a disaster by my own hand, into a beautiful disaster. Here am I, Lord.

 

Welcome to my life, friends.

 

I'm not ready to make nice.

Forgive, sounds good...forget, I'm not sure I could. They say time heals everything, but I'm still waiting.

I have a new life. I have moved on, no doubt about it. But, who do you think you are...no sir, I will not ever talk to you again. I meant it when I said that. I am happy. I am free. I am learning to love again and let people in, and you will not ruin that. It's like that song by good ole T. Swift- "Wondering which version of you I might get on the phone tonight. Well, I stopped picking up and this song is to let you know why.......You'll add my name to your long list of traitors who don't understand, and I'll look back and regret how I ignored when they said run as fast as you can.......I took your matches before fire could catch me so don't look now; I'm shining like fireworks over your sad, empty town."

I recognize those are random lines from the song patched together but those are the ones that stick out to me as characteristic of that time of my life. I allowed a person to dictate the way that I felt. I walked on egg shells. I apologized for things that happened when I was the one who deserved the apologies. It blows my mind to look back on that time to see how much of a shell of Leah I was. I'm sure it horrified my mom and brothers. I was broken...bruised...beaten down. The life in my eyes and behind my smile was gone. So, no, sir...you will not call me and try to talk to me, or text me, or contact me at all. I have moved on from you. I'm happy. I'm where the Lord wants me to be with the right people...ones who build me up and don't tear me down. Sure, I've forgiven you. But, that's it. You don't get anything else from me. Thank the sweet Lord for helping me release all of that when I did. He's good like that.

"I've dealt with my ghosts and I've faced all my demons,
Finally content with a past I regret.
I've found you find strength in your moments of weakness,
For once I'm at peace with myself.
I've been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long.
I'm moving on.
I'm moving on,
At last I can see, life has been patiently waiting for me
And I know, there's no guarantees but I'm not alone.
There comes a time in everyone's life
When all you can see are the years passing by.
And I have made up my mind that those days are gone!" RF

So small...

I was listening to my "Country Women" playlist tonight, don't hate, on my way home to see my family from work. Since today is my actual birthday something just felt wrong not coming home to see my Mom. Anyways, I digress. I was listening to Carrie Underwood's song "So Small." It's a great song, and I find it to be true, like many songs I listen to, in my daily life. A snippet that hit me pretty hard tonight:

"It's so easy to get lost inside a problem that seems so big at the time; it's like a river that's so wide, it swallows you whole. While you're sitting 'round thinking 'bout what you can't change and worrying about all the wrong things; time's flying by, moving so fast. You better make it count cause you can't get it back. Sometimes, that mountain you've been climbing is just a grain of sand. And what you've been out there searching for forever is in your hand. And when you figure out love is all that matters after all, it sure makes everything else seem so small!"

I mean, seriously, it's amazing how a simple song can carry so much weight and hit so close to home. My dad used to always tell me, "If you can change it, change it. If you can't, don't worry about it. No use wasting that pretty smile on a frown, or that wrinkling that pretty forehead. One thing at a time, baby." He knew me better than anyone in moments like that, because he could see that I had taken the weight of the world on my shoulders, quite literally. I get lost in problems more often than I would like to admit; my own and others'. I have a fickle heart. I run from people that make me want to stay for fear of rejection down the road. I have small faith. I have seen the Lord work miracles in my life and my friends' lives time and time again, yet I still have the ability to freak out about things. How does that make Him feel? To constantly prove Himself to be faithful to take care of me only to have me doubt the next time around? What's amazing is that He loves me...and He takes care of me, even when He knows I'm full of doubt; that He has to help me in my unbelief. My friends love me. My family loves me. In one day, I had a new friend call me amazing, another dear old friend tell me that I'm a vessel of grace and peace, another still tell me I had a fierce heart, and still another tell me that I deserved a wonderful birthday because I had a caring and giving heart. It's AMAZING to me that people see these things in me- that I am such a mess and yet am incredibly loved! I am humbled by that love, and sure do hope to make my friends feel as good as they make me feel. I am so, so blessed. I am who I am because of the people that I'm blessed to know and love through the grace of Jesus Christ...each and every one of you. Thank you loves.

Another Birthday

Three years ago on August 27th, my 26th birthday, I spoke to my Dad for the last time. He called, as he often does, on my birthday, and sang Happy Birthday to me and we spoke briefly. I was too preoccupied with my own life to spend more time talking to him than I normally did, simply because I knew he would be around the next day or the next for me to talk to. Come to find out, he had been planning on coming to visit me with my Mom that weekend to surprise me since I had moved to Louisville at the beginning of the month, but then he ended up having some complications with his hemmorhoid surgery and the doc told him he would probably be really uncomfortable traveling 4 hours. So, I was none the wiser and therefore not disappointed when my parents decided they'd have to come visit another time. My mom told me about this thoughtful hopeful surprise my Dad had planned after I heard the news of his passing. I spent the night with my friend Anna, and we got home really late/early in the morning, so we went to sleep. I didn't know I had put my phone on vibrate and so when I received a call at 5am, I did not pick it up. I also slept through several additional calls and some text messages. I woke up at 10am and went to my phone to check it and found everyone in my family had called or texted me, so I panicked. I called my mom, and after a brief moment of explanation as to why I had not answered my phone, she said these words, "Your Daddy died this morning."

Going over that right now, typing it, still stops my heart to see it or say it. I began to hyperventilate, and couldn't believe that it was possible. I said no over and over again, and sent my friend Anna into a panic. I told her "My Dad died this morning," which sent her into a panic, and she began calling friends that were out of town to let them know what happened. My mom was crying on the other line and kept saying she was sorry she had to tell me like that, but didn't want to make me come home without any knowledge of why. I told Anna I didn't think I'd be able to drive myself home, so she quickly offered to take me home. I said I didn't know how I would get back to Louisville, so her Dad quickly was called and he booked me a flight to return to Louisville later that week. I was numb the whole way home. We stopped to eat a few times. I would randomly start crying in disbelief, and other times I sat in silence. Anytime I had to tell someone that my Dad died, new tears would come for me, Anna, and her roommate Karina, who had taken the trip with us as well. I couldn't BELIEVE that just days prior I had spoken to my Dad, and he had sounded happy and healthy. To hear that he stopped breathing at 5am this morning and my brother was unable to revive him sounded impossible...a nightmare. By the time I got home, I didn't have any tears left. I was hugged by many that were eagerly waiting my arrival; and I really didn't want to see or talk to anyone. I couldn't believe it. I wouldn't accept it. The next couple of days were a BLUR. I went with my mom to plan the funeral- agreed to sing as it would have been my Dad's wish and got some of my friends to participate in the worship portion as well. We went to the visitation and it was at that moment that it became real to me. My Daddy was gone. He was already up in Heaven, dancing with Jesus, completely whole and without a care in the world. No matter how amazing it is to know that, my heart was broken...it still is. The funeral was the next day, and over the course of the two days of the celebration of my Dad's life, I heard so many good things and how proud he was of me and how much he loved me, but I appreciate those things now.  I didn't then; didn't want to hear my Dad in the context of the past tense. All I could think of was that I brushed him off to go spend time with friends and I could have talked to him longer than 30 minutes on my birthday. I know that this was not a healthy thought- I had no way of knowing he would be gone, and I fully expected to have a really long and jovial talk with him on that Saturday, the first Bama game of the season. No one expected it. We were all fortunate to have some kind of special moment with him shortly before he passed, though.

I am blessed to have had such an amazing Daddy. He frustrated me to no end at times and we were both stubborn which caused us to butt heads. He caused some hurt in my life but I am fortunate that the Lord provided healing in that relationship well before I lost him. But, I also know he loved me more than anything and he would have walked through fire for me if it had been necessary, even when our relationship was difficult. SO, obviously, my birthday has taken on new meaning to me at this point in my life. I don't really care to celebrate my life or how long I've lived...I don't really like my birthday all that much at all.  I miss my Dad. I wish he were still around to call me and sing Happy Birthday, and tell me that he loves me. I wish I could hear his voice, hear his reassurance when times are difficult...get one of his hugs...hear one of his sayings come out of his mouth. I love that man more than anything. I love that he is whole again and has both legs. I love the assurance that he IS with Jesus, and that it was clearly his time to go home. I sure do wish he could still be here though. I have a feeling that no matter how long it's been, it's still going to be hard. Richard Aaron Barrier, I miss you and I love you forever. 10/7/50-8/30/08

Brave New World

So, here I am, 28 years old, nowhere near where I thought I'd be. Strangely, though, I find this all okay...freeing even.  I'm beginning to understand that there is nothing wrong with exploring new things and going on new adventures constantly. I have experienced more in my 28 years than some will have experienced in their whole lifetime. I've seen slums on the other side of the world, I've seen ridiculously rich people (none the happier) on this side of the world. I've lived on the coast and as far north as my little southern self would permit:). I've met more people and made more lifelong friends than I deserve. I've kept old ones the whole time, and gotten closer to some that I really can't imagine my life without at this point. I've experienced pain that I never prepared myself for and joy beyond my greatest imagination.

People often look down on me for continuing my journey, not "settling down" as a good 20-something southern girl should. I think those that know me and have come to love me (however undeserved that love I receive might be) understand that I am a flight risk. I get uncomfortable in comfort and restless in monotany. Sure, I have 2 1/2 degrees and I'm working on another, but I still have a career. Sure, I've moved a lot but I have constants in my life no matter where I go. I'm good. Sometimes it's hard, starting over in new places, but then it gets better, and I find home wherever I go. Plus, I know no matter where I go or what I do, there will always be a safe place for me to go, in the arms of my sweet Jesus; and my sweet Mom is never but a phone call away. I'm blessed beyond belief and far more than I deserve.

Sure, I have my flaws that I notice more often than anything else. I am stubborn and don't have a great ability to keep my mouth shut. I cannot stand for the truth not to be known, and sometimes that gets me in trouble. I am honest to a fault and sometimes that causes me to hurt feelings without even realizing it. I love hard and totally and that gets me stomped on over and over again. I am way too sensitive and tend to take everything to heart even if it isn't directed at me. I feel for people so completely that sometimes I get too involved and take things home with me that should be left.  I have deep, deep scars that make it really hard for people to get to know me despite the amount of things I learn about them, and I rarely trust anyone fully. I am a creation of the most high God and I constantly let the mirror tell me things that I know not to be the truth which has often led me down a path of self-destruction.

However, I am saved by the redeeming blood of Jesus Christ and have his grace and mercy covering my life no matter what I do. It is amazing to me how He can love me despite the amount of times I go my own way and then have to crawl back to Him on bloody knees begging Him to clean me up and the mess I've left in my path back to Him. He is the reason I live and breathe and move, and the motivation behind me pursuing yet another degree. I want to be excellent, to, in the words of our US Army, be all that I can be- but through Him. I will settle down one day...and no doubt have a family; but I don't feel incomplete now. I know that I am made whole in Him and that is the only way that I'll remain satisfied. It's a daily walk, and I intend to get up tomorrow and take my cross again, hoping not to deviate. Welcome to my life, friends.